Steve and I seem like the perfect couple. We have a son, trust each other with finances and I even go on holiday with his mother. But we have a secret you’ll never guess…

You could say Steve and I are the perfect couple.

We just returned from a weekend celebrating the 60th birthday of our friend who was best man at our wedding in 2000. We took our dog for a walk, went out to lunch…it was like a weekend with my best friend.

Unlike many people, I am lucky to enjoy a close relationship with my in-laws. Sometimes I even go out of town with my mother-in-law and keep my clothes at their house while I’m alone with them.

I’m lucky, I know. Many women would kill for a supportive, loving and respectful relationship like ours.

So what’s the secret? Naturally, we both care about each other very much. But it might surprise you to know that Steve and I are no longer together.

We left in 2020 just before the first Covid lockdown. Immediately afterwards, we continued to live with our son Alex, who is now 20 years old.

We sold our family home and when Steve moved into his new home in the spring of 2020, I lived with him until I moved into my new home in April 2021. I currently live in Essex and he lives in Kent, just 45 minutes away by car.

We even visited new places together. We each have a room in the other’s house and have been known to share a bed when we go on group holidays – platonically, of course.

What might surprise people the most is that our finances are still joint, so we haven’t felt the need to officially divorce.

Steve and Alison separated just before the first Covid lockdown in 2020, but continued to live together with their son Alex in the immediate aftermath.

The couple still leave everything to each other in their will because, as Alison says, ‘what we built is for our son’

Besides our own, we still have a joint bank account and credit card. The inheritance from my mother and father is registered in both of our names. As well as each having their own separate homes, we also own rental properties together. Why do we go through the pain of interrupting everything when everything is going well and we trust each other?

We also made a will and we leave everything to each other and our son. That wouldn’t change even if we both got remarried: What we built was for our son, and we want to keep it in the family.

I know what you’re thinking; If everything was so perfect, why did you leave?

After experiencing many health problems and moving to Hong Kong for my job in 2009, we realized that we no longer wanted the same things and drifted apart. So for Alex’s sake, we decided to be honest about changing direction rather than staying together.

We met when we were both in our 30s and working at an international law firm: me in HR and Steve in IT.

We were both out of relationships that didn’t end well. When we went out for drinks one evening after work, just the two of us, everyone knew we were going to get together. We both helped each other heal.

But things got tough pretty quickly. Steve developed severe inflammatory bowel disease and underwent a series of major surgeries, and I was there for him. I remember the surgeon telling us that we had something really special.

There were times when we thought he wouldn’t make it and my mom even asked me if I could handle it all. I told him there was no turning back, we had gone too deep together.

In January 2000, Steve underwent a difficult surgery from which he almost did not survive. We got married at the end of that year because we were determined to end such a terrible period happily.

Alex was born in 2005 and soon after, Steve retired from work for medical reasons. He devoted himself to being a stay-at-home dad while I became the main breadwinner at the law firm where we met.

When I was seconded to Hong Kong, it was only supposed to last six months, which made the decision easier. I was then asked to stay and we all happily agreed.

But this was where things would start to unravel.

My job was very stressful, but that was the reason we got a residence visa and a house and place for Alex at an international school. So I couldn’t give up on everything, even when Steve’s health deteriorated again in 2015 and 2016, when he later had kidney problems and had to go to hospital because of it.

I felt a lot of pressure to keep working and providing. My parents were also getting older and worsening; my mother had to have a kidney removed and my father needed more support with dementia; so I felt torn between Hong Kong and the UK.

Steve and I have been through a lot together and I thought it would make us very solid. But in reality we were drifting apart.

We experienced hurt feelings when we first talked, but most of it was sadness, uncertainty, and perhaps a feeling that we had failed, Alison says

Alison runs a wellness business offering therapies and treatments such as hypnotherapy

I felt a very clear pull towards the next chapter of my life. Initially we both thought it would be nice to move to Spain and I liked the idea of ​​opening a retreat centre. However, Steve did not want to do this because he wanted to live a quieter life after his recovery.

We finally agreed on two things in 2019: that it was time to return to the UK as the political situation in Hong Kong had become quite dangerous; and said it was time to leave.

There were hurt feelings when we first talked, but most of them were sadness, uncertainty, and perhaps the feeling that we had failed.

I thought I had given so much of myself to being there for him when he got sick, so I felt a little rejected. We’ve been through so much, I thought we were invincible.

However, he assured me that we would find a way forward; that it will always be there and we will figure it out and we did!

As we parted, it was as if we found ourselves and found our way back to each other.

We text most days, talk on the phone a few times a week, and see each other every week or every other week. Most importantly, we support each other without the pressure of having to be the perfect husband and wife.

We broke this news to Alex in January 2020, when he was 14 years old. He had started boarding school in the UK and we knew he would be less affected by the different living arrangements once he settled there. We assured him that little would change family-wise.

We told our families in February. But we insisted that we wanted to be the same family, we didn’t just want to live together.

Even though Alex is currently at university, he comes home all the time. Steve usually picks her up and he and Alex come to mine or we go to Steve’s, so we’re always together.

I’m sure a lot of people were wondering how we would make this work as friends. The truth is that we are more like brothers now. There was never a moment after the separation agreement when any of us suggested we wanted more.

Perhaps the strangest part of my relationship with Steve was explaining the situation to potential new partners, even though neither of us had ever met anyone. I’ve had a few dates. I have very nice male friends and sometimes a couple wanted more. But these are not true for me.

Any date needs to understand my relationship with Steve and not feel threatened by it.

We talked about how things might change if either of us met someone else. I wish Steve was happy. We could still spend family time with the new person.

Now we will both live the life we ​​want.

Steve lives mostly at home and enjoys walking his dog, going to the movies and volunteering with community groups.

I now run a wellness business offering therapies and treatments such as hypnotherapy.

Alex began to accept our relationship as it was. He has a room with both of us and splits his time between us.

I have no regrets. We have the best of both worlds; we enjoy each other’s company while living our own lives without worrying about disappointing the other.

Maybe we’ve found the secret to a long-lasting relationship.