I always blamed my husband for our divorce. Now I know what really destroyed the spark in my marriage… and every wife does it: EVE SIMMONS

One Sunday about five years ago I decided to ‘leave’ my husband. Our dog was sick and she wanted me to be the one working from home to watch over her ‘just once’ and to go to the vet immediately if necessary.

These were usually tasks I stopped doing because I was in the office five days a week. But he was tired of being crushed under the responsibility.

I was angry. He was the ‘dog person’ in the relationship; He had been longing for a border terrier for years and had been taking on the lion’s share of the walks and playtime.

More importantly, didn’t he understand how dependent my colleagues were on me? I reminded him that my job was not like his; It was a semi-remote position that mostly involved Zoom meetings and a sharp 5 p.m. shift. I was one of the managers of the health desk of this newspaper; I couldn’t decide to work from home on a whim.

It was a cruel tease, as I knew he was struggling to get a promotion, but I delivered anyway, then walked towards the kitchen, grabbed my keys, and sped away before he could ask where I was going.

I wandered aimlessly around north London for most of the day, ignoring her calls and texts asking where I was.

When I finally got home that evening, I went straight to her bedroom and gave her the silent treatment until she reluctantly apologized before going to bed.

It was an apology admitting defeat; It’s the kind of apology you use when you’re not particularly sorry but desperately want the argument to end. We were both familiar with this routine; My infuriating stubbornness often forced him into submission.

Today, two years after our divorce became final, I am ashamed of my ice queen behavior.

I have written before about how unaware I was when my husband told me he was quitting his job in November 2022, just six months after our wedding, and his cruel behavior that followed. I didn’t not yet made public Mine contribute to our death

Indeed, after our breakup, my army of female friends gathered and spent hours approving my criticisms of my ex. His behavior was irrational and selfish. They said you were never good enough for me.

No one dared to suggest that I had played a role in his sudden disinterest in our relationship. To be fair, I’d be horrified if they did this.

In an attempt to achieve balance and shed light on the messy mess that comes with the end of a relationship, I reflected on where I thought I went wrong.

My first big mistake was my habit of using the silent treatment as described above.

Therapy has since taught me that I have an intense fear of confrontation. I am also extremely stubborn. This combination means I can approach conflict like a child, avoiding it and choosing to get angry instead.

It happened every few months with my ex. He would do or say something I found offensive, like scrolling through his phone while eating dinner or making a bad ‘joke’ about one of my girlfriends. Instead of saying it right then and there, I would remain silent and withdraw—sometimes for hours—refusing to tell him what was wrong.

Another unattractive behavior was one that I’m sure many long-suffering spouses identify with: nagging. My nagging was focused on my ex-husband’s health.

I’m ashamed to admit how many times I’ve raised my eyebrows at him for taking the third slice of cake, or made harsh remarks about how he hadn’t moved from the couch on Sunday.

This was a situation that constantly triggered our discussions; If I made a well-intentioned but discourteous comment, he would immediately back off.

I knew how much he hated it, and I made an active effort to stand in my defense.

My concern was well-intentioned, as my father died of cancer at age 49. His illness was not lifestyle-related, but it gave me a grave awareness of the mortality of my loved ones. I wanted my future children to have the chance to enjoy their father for as long as possible.

Most of my nagging happened in the first half of our relationship, when I was recovering from anorexia. My fear of food took years to resolve, and I regret that my disordered thoughts were projected onto those I loved most.

It is now clear that my concerns hurt his feelings, but unfortunately, I was too blinded by my demons to recognize the real reason and offer an explanation.

Then I had a lack of interest in life admin. From the day we moved in together, two years into our relationship, we had an unspoken agreement that he would be in charge.

After a day at the office, I had little brain space to calculate home insurance plans or broadband upgrades.

He, on the other hand, mostly worked from home, rarely worked in the evenings, and had a natural talent for keeping track of the minute details of our shared life (he was a spreadsheet master).

I took it lightly because I couldn’t check if he was happy with our roles.

Havva, photographed on her wedding day, says that by the end of her marriage, she began to feel like her husband’s roommate or annoying sister.

He clearly wasn’t, as made clear when, in a crucial fight a few weeks before we ended our marriage, he released his pent-up resentment about carrying that burden.

“I used my job as an excuse to avoid my responsibilities,” she said, “and assumed she would handle everything herself.” To make matters worse, I failed to show our shared life manager enough appreciation for the time and effort he put into it. He wasn’t wrong.

My last big mistake was a mistake most people make in long-term relationships; I stopped flirting.

I’m not talking about the under-the-table footwork and sexy messages you might enjoy during the honeymoon period. I mean subtle ways to reassure your partner that you still desire them.

This was something we were both guilty of; By the end of our marriage, even giving compliments was rare.

It has a devastating effect on a person’s confidence. His lack of compassion shattered my self-esteem; If the person who promised to love me forever doesn’t find me attractive, I thought, I must be a unique breed of ugliness.

I started to feel like her roommate or her annoying sister. And in fact, he may have felt the same. I now believe that working on the romantic spark is just as important to a successful relationship as staying faithful.

The fire won’t magically stay burning without regular doses of lighter fluid (and by that I mean date nights, compliments, physical affection).

But I had adopted the deranged, sexist belief that it was the man’s job to make the woman feel special.

Research for my book on the intriguing phenomenon called ‘short-marriage syndrome’ (which explores why more and more couples are giving up on marriage within a year of marriage) led me into a minefield of male-engagement podcasts.

I listened for hours to episodes where young men discussed their failed relationships. Unsurprisingly, men feeling unwanted and self-conscious were often cited in podcast episodes as a reason to initiate a split.

Today, I have an extremely healthy relationship with my partner of three and a half years, who is the father of my ten-month-old son. This is an honest, communicative and completely equal partnership. But I must also say that this time sharing my life requires much less effort.

Maybe I’ve grown or learned from my mistakes. But there’s also something to be said for finding a much better match.

What She Did Then: The book What to Do When the Life You Planned Disrupts by Eve Simmons is now out.