I spend thousands on these health supplements for myself and my kids. This is why my doctor husband thinks I’m crazy… and what he says they REALLY do to you: CLARE FOGES

‘Open your beak!’ I command my four young children, who are standing at the kitchen counter with an array of bottles and jars around me.

Like baby birds preparing for a juicy worm, they open their little mouths and inside I pour in a spoonful of liquid multivitamin, some blueberry and bubblegum-flavored vitamin D, and a dash of manuka honey. Next up are ‘fishies’, several fish-shaped jelly desserts that come in amazing flavors like strawberry and tutti-frutti, which even better disguise your daily dose of omega-3 inside.

To top it off, they can give a sachet of probiotic powder to a glass of apple juice, or a Peppa Pig-shaped vitamin C gum if they refuse to take a multivitamin.

In this way, I hope to send my children into the world as protected as possible against the cold of winter; Their guts are full of good bacteria, their vitamin D stores are full, to get them through this grey, dreary January.

Does it sound like the ridiculous routine of a health-concerned lunatic? Looks like I’m not alone. A recent survey reveals that the vast majority of parents (92 percent) purchased vitamins for their children in the past year.

Where I seem like an outlier is how much I cough for this anti-cough regimen.

The average annual spend is £234. One year? Two months is not enough for us.

When I added up the total of vitamins I gave my four children over the course of a year, I was shocked to find that it came to around £2,000. I shudder when I see it in black and white.

I might buy a used but good Ford Fiesta for that. Or a weekend at Claridge’s, including a champagne breakfast.

This total includes Boots’ £260 multivitamins; probiotic sachets, £480; £75 in vitamin D mouth sprays; About £100 was spent on Manuka (what do they feed these bees, rare orchids?).

The real wallet killer is omega-3 in the form of fish-shaped jelly beans. They come in packs of 36 for around £15. Like the child in the biblical parable, every child has two fish. One day. This means two packs (£30) will last us just over a week.

That’s not to mention carrying my own vitamins, which costs £800 to £900 a year. I drink a probiotic drink every day, which costs £25 for a month’s supply, even though it tastes like vomit. In the evening before going to bed, I open a variety of capsules and pills, from high-quality omega-3 to multivitamin to magnesium glycinate. An elixir containing thyme and apple cider vinegar, a fizzy vitamin C drink, and a vitamin D spray are added to the mix.

That’s a staggering amount of money, and it’s fair to say that in a survey of parents in my household, only 50 percent viewed it as cash worth spending. The remaining 50 percent think we can feed chocolate chips to our children.

My husband, a doctor, has long been skeptical of supplements. He’s a no-nonsense, no-pain, no-gain kind of person who believes that while a good diet and exercise are important, your long-term health prospects won’t be improved by consuming your body weight in omega-3s. When I tried to pressure him to take a men’s health supplement or drink some turmeric water, I was met with disdain.

According to him, consuming so many vitamins is a self-interested wellness fad for fools who believe that you can find a shortcut on your way to health. Like me!

Yet, despite his raised eyebrows, I continue to feed my children pills and fish. Yes, I know it would be better if they got all their vitamins from food rather than Haribo-like desserts.

I know they should be eating sardines from a can instead of chocolate digestives from a package.

But frankly it is very difficult. In my experience, the more children you have, the more they are influenced by each other’s pickiness. If one person refuses to eat anything but beige food, others start protesting when they see broccoli.

You can trick, trick, play hide and seek with vegetables; but ultimately optimal nutrition is difficult to achieve.

For peace of mind, I want them to have a food safety net; so I’m remortgaging the house to keep them on Peppa Pig gummies.

Sometimes I think about cutting back on omega-3 fish by hovering over the ‘unsubscribe’ button on Amazon.

But I stop myself knowing how vital this is to my children’s brain health.

Health is wealth, as they say, and to me this seems like the last place we need to cut costs.

So I’ll continue to fund our local apothecary… and perhaps consider buying shares in Holland & Barrett.

Award for the most meaningless award

Lady Beckham receiving her award at the Ministry of Culture in Paris earlier this week

Is anyone tired of celebrities getting awards for being fawned over by other celebrities? The latest in this carousel of self-congratulation is Victoria Beckham, who was awarded the Chevaliere de l’Ordre des Arts et des Lettres in Paris this week for her dedication to fashion. Still, there’s something else that catches daughter-in-law Nicola Peltz Beckham’s eye.

Put all your Chinese gifts in the freezer, Keir

When I read about the Chinese hacking into the phones of former prime ministers’ aides, I remembered my days at No 10 during the David Cameron years. I was told that gifts from the Chinese should be placed in frozen storage to eliminate any spyware. I have no idea if this is true; but if the Prime Minister picks up any treats during his trip to Beijing, it might be worth stashing them in the hotel minibar freezer, just in case.

Victoria and Thomas Gillibrand speak outside Cheshire coroner’s office in Warrington

It’s heartbreaking that Victoria and Thomas Gillibrand’s baby Pippa died after a home birth went wrong. Giving birth at home is becoming increasingly popular, thanks in part to the natural birth movement. Although the decision rests with the mother, this tragedy should raise questions about how well parents were warned about the risks of home birth.

Uber says London is no longer the UK’s nightlife hub, with a greater proportion of late-night trips taking place in Edinburgh and Glasgow. When I think back to the happy years I spent partying in Soho’s bars until 2 a.m., it saddens me to think of young Londoners returning home early to sip chamomile tea. At least the Scots are keeping the fire alive.

Ban large numbers of people from our summits

Wasdale Head Inn in the Lake District, where two walkers left without paying after being rescued by volunteers

The cheek of two amateur walkers walking out of a local hotel in the Lake District without paying, just after being rescued in treacherous conditions by brave volunteers. Isn’t it time to give permission to climb Britain’s peaks, eliminate escapees like this and protect mountain rescue teams?