I’m a hospice nurse. Here’s what people always get wrong about dying — and 3 biggest mistakes we make when people are grieving

Many people do not expect that working in hospice care will be an enjoyable experience. When Kath Murray tells people what she does for a living, there’s always an awkward silence, a sympathetic nod, and the inevitable response of “that must be so hard.”

“I’ve never had a job where I’ve laughed so hard,” says Murray, a hospice nurse and palliative care educator who lives in British Columbia. “The reality is incredible.”

This is not what most of us imagine, and that’s exactly the problem.

Murray was founded Life and Death Matter In 2005 to help healthcare professionals working with the dying. The organization has grown to include resources to assist nursing students, long-term care facility workers, and families in caring for dying people.

According to Murray, there’s a big misconception that prevents families from accessing care when they need it most: People think hospice means giving up.

“This is the biggest myth,” says Murray. “But we’re actually good at holding hope and reality at the same time.” Hospice is all about living better rather than giving up.

What is hospice care?

Many people think that palliative care and hospice care are the same thing. Palliative care can begin with diagnosis and curative treatments work in conjunction with symptom management and improve quality of life.

Hospice care is generally reserved for terminally ill people with six months or less to live. It provides comprehensive comfort care for both the patient and their family.

Both types of care are designed to help you live better, not worse.

Murray’s proximity to dying people allowed him to witness and learn from people facing and accepting mortality.

“I’ve learned a lot from people who have the time to think about what’s really important in their lives. It’s never been about fancy cars or designer brands,” he says. Work taught him something unexpected: a deep appreciation for everyday things. “I remember leaving work on a rainy day and feeling grateful to have working arms and legs.”

When should families consider hospice care?

Many families begin considering hospice care when daily life becomes a struggle. Maybe someone can’t shower or cook on their own. In some cases, their health became unpredictable; good days followed by terrible emergency room visits.

At other times it is clear that more support is needed at home than the family can provide. The physical decline makes it clear that something needs to change.

“It’s never too early to have these conversations,” Murray says. “And it’s not just cancer: We also help with heart disease, COPD, dementia and diabetes.”

Unfortunately, access to nursing home services Varies across Canadadepending on where you live and the level of state funding. Most hospice facilities rely on volunteers to cover the costs of providing care to those in need.

There may be some discomfort when patients enter the nursing home. Moreover, many people fear that this will be a painful process.

“I had a patient tell me: ‘It’s not dying that scares me… it’s the death part,’” Murray recalls.

Many hospice healthcare providers can help manage pain and discomfort with medication, but there is an added element of emotional pain.

Death doesn’t look like it does in the movies, but hospice teams often include counselors to help patients and families understand the dying process and prepare them for what lies ahead. Murray says only a small percentage of people will enter hospice and experience a steady decline in health until they die; the rest will experience what he calls a “roller coaster.”

“Families gather to say goodbye and the person suddenly perks up and says, ‘I’m not going anywhere,'” Murray explains, adding that it can be emotionally draining for families.

How to help someone

People often wonder how they can support families where a loved one is in a nursing home. Death can be an uncomfortable topic, especially for people who have not yet experienced a significant loss. “What can I do to help?” While it may be well-intentioned, it does not alleviate the stress or pain they are experiencing.

Instead of asking a vague question, try stating how you can help. Some examples include:

• “I’ll bring dinner on Tuesday.”

• “Can I buy food this week?”

• “I’m free to drop the kids off at school.”

• “What I can do is…what works best?”

These statements and questions help solve problems without creating more work for your friend or loved one.

What to say and what not to say

When you visit someone who is seriously ill, words are more important than you think. Phrases that are supposed to be comforting can actually complicate things further. Instead of saying things like:

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

• “They’re in a better place now.”

You can be supportive by doing things like:

• Ask what they want to talk about

“The most important thing? Follow their lead,” says Murray. “Some days they want to talk about their illness, some days they want to discuss anything but that.”

Don’t accept support

Hospice care is not about giving up hope. It’s about your dignity, your support, and making the most of your time with your family.

It’s about focusing on what matters most when time becomes precious. It’s about having honest conversations, creating meaningful moments, and sometimes finding more laughter and joy than anyone expected.

The goal is not to hasten death or discontinue all treatment. It’s about living as fully as possible while facing the facts with courage and the right kind of support.

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