Is YOUR marriage on the brink? Then forget the make or break holiday and the couples therapy says TRACEY COX. These 5 ‘fixes’ actually END relationships
When a relationship begins to fall apart, the urge to do something, anything, is strong.
The problem is that what people think will save their relationships often turns out to be the final nail in the coffin because most popular ‘cures’ are just comfort blankets.
Here, I’ll explain five things couples turn to when a relationship goes south and why these relationships almost never work.
couples therapy
Yes really; It’s almost always the place I recommend you go when you have a problem.
The problem here is that most couples wait an average of six years after their problems begin before seeking help. In short, it’s too late now.
A good therapist can work wonders, but it takes a magician to clear six years of accumulated resentment and emotional withdrawal.
If you’ve been blaming each other for years, therapy becomes a weekly opportunity to either validate your own version of events or feel anger when they’re not. The therapist is watched carefully to see which “side” they are on. Most people are more interested in being right than finding neutral ground.
UK sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox reveals the ‘treatments’ troubled couples should avoid and what to do instead
Therapy can actually accelerate the split: focusing on everything that isn’t working can make it clear that you’re both better off separately.
The problem is not therapy or therapist. It is our British habit to treat this as a last resort rather than a first response when things get difficult.
having a baby
This is an age-old gamble and it almost always backfires.
Surely anyone who has sat next to a couple with a disgruntled baby — in a restaurant, on a plane (anywhere) — has secretly thought: ‘Thank God I don’t have to deal with all this.’
It’s always beyond me that troubled couples think having a baby will be the glue. A new baby doesn’t cover up stretch marks; It could collapse the entire building.
Sleep deprivation, financial pressure, less spontaneity, no time for sex; Parenthood puts the most intense pressure on a relationship most couples face. Even happy couples feel like strangers in the first year.
Take a break or take a break
The idea is seductive. Get away from the daily hustle and bustle, look at each other at a table with a sea view and remember why you fell in love.
What actually happens is that you both dread the holiday, you know it’s your last chance, and you take all your problems with you on the plane.
Holidays can make things worse.
The great thing about the daily grind is that it gives you something to do and talk about. It acts as a buffer.
Without it, you have nowhere to hide.
If your communication is bad, you won’t suddenly discover how you can improve yourself because you’re lying by the pool. An idyllic environment often increases suffering. Beautiful places attract couples in love, and there’s nothing lonelier than looking at other happy couples when you’re something else.
take time
The premise is that distance will give you the chance to both ‘gain perspective’ and ‘think hard about what’s really going on/how you can actually fix things’.
If you both spend time looking at things from the other person’s perspective, it can help. What usually happens is that both people spend it perfecting and rehearsing their own solid arguments.
When everything is already fragile, being apart often feels like abandonment, not breathing. If you’re jealous or worried that your partner might be interested in other people, being apart is triggering, not comforting.
If your relationship is good but you’ve experienced an overwhelming shock (for example, one of you was having an affair), spending time apart may help.
But when it comes to long-term problems, this will harden both of your resolves.
grand romantic gesture
Inspired by every romantic comedy ever made, this movie is designed to convince the doubting person that their partner has finally come to their senses. They love you more than life itself!
Big offer (usually in front of others). A flashy new car. A surprise trip to Paris.
Romantic gestures relieve some of the symptoms of a troubled relationship – ‘See! I see you!’, ‘See! You’re special to me!’ – but the effect is so temporary that it’s hardly worth the trouble.
Within weeks, often days, old habits and dynamics return; but now they feel worse because your hopes are rising and falling again.
You’ll find Tracey’s blog, books, podcast, and variety at traceycox.com.
