Nikki Glaser’s best jokes as Golden Globes host
Host Nikki Glaser returned to host the Golden Globes on Sunday, delivering a scorching opening monologue that angered many celebrities in the room.
“Just like Wicked, I’m back for a sequel,” he told the A-list crowd. “Just like Frankenstein, I was put together by an unlicensed European surgeon.
“And just like the podcasters nominated tonight, I shouldn’t be allowed to be this close to Julia Roberts.”
As they reflected on Glaser’s past year in film and television, the stars also greeted her biting comments with humor.
Here are 21 of his best jokes.
1. Welcome to the Golden Globes; It is undoubtedly the most important thing happening in the world right now.
2. So let’s get on with our business, shall we? Warner Bros. We will start the bidding for 5 dollars, am I hearing 5 dollars?
3. Tonight, we celebrate the best of television and cinema right in the heart of Los Angeles, where no television or film has been produced for the past six years.
4. There are a lot of A-listers here, and by A-listers I mean people who are on a highly curated list. And the Golden Globe for best fiction goes to the Department of Justice.
5. George Clooney, you are amazing, I am a huge fan. I’ve always wanted to ask you this question: My Nespresso comes out a little watery and I’m wondering, does this seem like a capsule issue or do you think it’s due to the filter?
6. The Rock was nominated tonight, and luckily for him, The Paper TV show wasn’t nominated, so he might win.
7. Kevin Hart is here, the plus half of the Rock.
8. You two are like my favorite comedy duo. You’re like Steve Martin and Martin Short, but for people with an IQ below 50. Jumanji: The Next Level – was it?
9. What kind of career does Leonardo DiCaprio have? You’ve given countless iconic performances, worked with all the great directors, won three Golden Globes and an Oscar, and the most impressive thing is that you accomplished all of this before your girlfriend turned 30.
10. Leo, I’m sorry I made that joke, it’s cheap, I tried not to but we don’t know anything else about you man. It’s like there’s nothing else.
11. Sean Penn, you are so original. Everyone in this town is obsessed with looking younger, while Sean Penn says: ‘What if I slowly transform into a sexy leather bag?’
12. Fun fact: Hamnet was actually the original name for Spanx. I’m currently wearing three ham-nets.
13. Michael B Jordan played two brothers in Sinners. Am I allowed to say this? He played twins.
14. Wicked is back this year with Wicked: For Money.
15. Once again, Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande gave us two career-defining performances. Two hours into that movie, I was in tears. I said, ‘I can’t believe there’s still 45 minutes left.’
16, Ariana, I used to listen to you tell the phone book. Take what Kevin Hart is sitting on tonight.
17. Timothée Chalamet is here for Marty Supreme; he is the first actor in history to have to flex his muscles for a movie about ping-pong.
18. It’s a privilege to be in this room with all of you. Please keep doing what you’re doing. Guillermo del Toro, keep making weird monster sex movies. And James Cameron, keep making weird beastly sex movies.
19. Noah Wyle, continue to be the only doctor I have seen regularly for the past 35 years.
20. Jacob Elordi and Paul Mescal remain the same person to my mother.
21. And finally, Steve Martin and Martin Short continue to prove that in this industry you’re never too old to need money.
