QUENTIN LETTS: Burnham’s four-minute video is so saccharine even Walt Disney would find it sickly

Come, take a look at the depths of politics: scandals, lies, hypocrisy, clichés and blatant corrections, billions wasted. Westminster’s humid day brought us all these beauties.

It has begun – extreme change in coo! – With Andy Burnham’s campaign video for the Makerfield by-election. Here was a production that the late Walt Disney would have found too sentimental for his taste. His four minutes were so sweet that he must have been sponsored by Messrs Sweet’N Low, purveyor of porridge to the elite.

1 minute and 40 seconds of this epic was devoted to Makerfield. The rest was spent in the heart of sunny Manchester, and he was second fiddle to our hero.

We saw Andy walking among his people as Moses walked at the Red Sea; Note that Moses wore black casual clothes rather than the flowy robes usually preferred by the prophets.

“I don’t take anything for granted,” candidate Andy insisted, even as he signed up senior staff when he entered No. 10 Downing Street. It is reported that a job worth approximately £100 thousand will be left to the traitor Josh Simons, who inherited this seat to him.

Mr Burnham continued: ‘I’m for us. All of us.” Does that include poor Sir Keir Starmer? The coy knight has holed up in No10 and is understood to be gargling in the drinks fridge with Lady Starmer.

Andy Burnham’s rival, Robert Kenyon of Reform UK, says: ‘Makerfield will be a stepping stone for Andy Burnham. For me, that’s the only place I want to represent.’

Reform UK hit back at idol Andy: a video of its own candidate, Ashton-born plumber Robert Kenyon.

‘Makerfield will be a stepping stone for Andy Burnham,’ said Mr Kenyon. ‘For me, it’s the only place I want to represent.’ Mr. Kenyon also wore black, but without Oasis’ pop music.

With Makerfield now reeling under these blows, Reform chairman Lee Anderson showed up on the doorstep to film himself. Mr. Anderson’s camera technique is a bit uneven. Its material can cause seasickness in all but the most experienced sailors.

In the House of Commons, we heard back from the Prime Minister’s Chief Secretary, Darren Jones, who attempted to explain the delays in handing over documents about Peter Mandelson in accordance with parliamentary edict. Mr. Jones, normally a graceful debater, became testy. He was accused of intending to delay the release of the Mandelson files until after the Makerfield by-election.

The criticism was led by members of the Intelligence and Security Committee, the most rigorous non-partisan organization. Lord Beamish, the (Labor Party) leader, was sitting in his colleagues’ gallery and looked upset at this sordid debacle. Mr Jones gave short answers to MPs and bateyed when accused of a ‘cover-up’. His ears turned pink.

We made a statement about the £100 billion foul play on HS2, the high-speed rail line that politicians from the major parties have been demanding for years (including Cough and A. Burnham). Transport Minister Heidi Alexander demands ‘apology’ from Conservatives; Almost the entire establishment (ministers, mandarins, think tanks, parliamentary committees, advisers and comment page dignitaries) supported HS2. The same people who gave us the EU. Government by groupthink.

The House of Commons moved on to a King’s Speech debate on energy. Ed Miliband bawled his eyes out and expressed disbelief that anyone could oppose his sensible policies. He exclaimed that the high taxes imposed on oil companies are vital for the future of our region. When a Liberal Democrat woman started babbling on about ‘taking back control’ of energy, I ran away because I couldn’t take this formulaic nonsense anymore.

Things were a little better in the Culture committee, where a familiar braggart, looking a bit rumpled, talked about the need for nobler standards in publishing. Could it be? Yes it was: Sir Peter Bazalgette, reality television’s original Captain Trash, the man who brought Big Brother to our screens.

As if that wasn’t highbrow enough, the day ended with a video trailer from the Department for Education, starring Gemma Collins, who once brought The Only Way Is Essex to great credit. Whitehall’s video also features famous comedy actress Bridget Phillipson.

Citizens, I present to you our policy.