QUENTIN LETTS: The minister expressed his regret that so much detail had been expunged by jet-hoses filled with industrial grade Tipp-Ex
To obtain a copy of the Mandelson Files, you have to climb a winding flight of stairs and come across a dusty counter in the basement of parliament, where you tell a man – ‘psst!’ ” he said from one corner of his mouth – you had to ask if the goods were available. He disappeared for a minute before stumbling backwards, his spine buckling under the weight of three volumes: 1,421 pages of glossy paper.
The biggest publishing sensation since Dame Hilda Bracket’s Playboy centerfold, this testament to Whitehall’s note writing was curiously light on Sir Keir Starmer’s notes. The only expense avoided in the operation? There is no index.
Cabinet softie Darren Jones has revealed that £1 million has been spent preparing and printing the blockbuster. Saving the planet was not a concern. The files contain, in the words of Mr Jones’s Tory shadow Alex Burghart, ‘acres of white space, a constellation of stars’.
It is not unusual to find page 273 of Volume II, part II, almost entirely white except for three asterisks no larger than crushed mosquitoes. There is a comment at the bottom of the page that reads ‘I’m happy to raise Peter’.
The files were published at 14.00. This gave MPs an hour and a half to struggle amid the chaos before Mr Jones appeared in the House of Commons and made one of his masterfully uninformative parliamentary statements. One or two important people were given the privilege of early access to evidence. Mr Burghart was allowed to look at it from 9.30am, as was Dame Emily Thornberry, who chairs the foreign affairs select committee. If the latter looked splotchy around the headlights, perhaps it was because 9.30am was too early for a woman and her body clock. Our Emily needs her beauty sleep.
Mr. Jones spoke and spoke in his foreword. This is his strong characteristic. He began, as they did, by talking about ‘victims’. A pause to let the word of virtue echo through the upper floors of this cathedral. Then: ‘We keep them in our thoughts.’ Another pause. However, I almost expected Mr. Jones to announce the first hymn.
Quentin Letts told Darren Jones’ House of Commons that £1 million was spent on preparing and printing the Mandelson Files; Saving the planet wasn’t the problem, he writes
Dame Emily Thornberry, who chairs the foreign affairs committee, was allowed to look at the files from 9.30am.
After that humid little moment, he soon began expressing his great dismay that so much detail had been erased/eliminated/obscured by jet hoses filled with industrial-grade Tipp-Ex. He insisted this was at the request of the police rather than, for example, at Sir Keir’s panicked insistence. Mr. Jones’ soft fingers drummed on the mailbox from time to time. He smiled pleasantly as he acknowledged the fog of gaps and inconsistencies. He hoped it helped. He was glad to be able to help the council. Ha!
The word Mr. Burghart used repeatedly was “blackout.” He was surprised that Sir Keir was not on the paper trail. Both Sir Julian Lewis (Con, New Forest East) and Sir John Whittingdale (Con, Maldon) pressed this perplexing issue. The Prime Minister’s disappearance reminded Sir Edward Leigh (Con, Gainsborough) of the old film The Man Who Never Was. Mr Jones’ smooth reassurance that nothing was amiss was only slightly walked back by government whip Deirdre Costigan. He sat down nearby and shifted his eyes urgently from side to side. Miss Costigan may not be the kind of person you’d ask for help with a cryptic puzzle.
A few Labor MPs were there, but Kensington’s Joe Powell (decent but boring) hoped the Government would ‘take into account the learnings of this episode’. I’m sure they will: Never write anything on WhatsApp.
One of the tartan Cymru sunbeams was moaning about the boys’ club controlled by ‘Number 10’. Mr Jones politely replied that Downing Street was not just occupied by men, but some senior women were also employed.
In fact, there are many women in the cabinet, but there were none on the podium next to the minister. Hadn’t they seen reports that Jonesy was said to be considering a run for the Labor leadership? It would be great. Anti-populist candidate. Vote for Jones Honeyed Bluster. A leadership campaign that this column could finally support.
