Sexual Communication

Chandini found out that her husband Chandran was having an affair. When she confronted him, Chandran retorted, “You are dead in bed. You are not meeting my sexual needs.” “You never told me your needs,” Chandini protested. “Do I need to say clearly what turns me on? We have been married for 4 years. You should have understood by now,” replied Chandran.

Failure to communicate effectively is a deep-rooted cause of sexual and marital discord.

Many of us have difficulty talking about our sexual needs. We often learn at an early age that sex is not an acceptable topic of conversation in our society. If parents don’t talk about sex at home, children won’t learn good ways to talk about sex later in life. Sexual communication is a delicate art that is a mixture of both verbal and non-verbal interaction. Sex is sometimes referred to as ‘the most intimate form of interpersonal nonverbal communication’. The four important components of nonverbal sexual communication are facial expression, interpersonal distance, touch, and sounds. All nonverbal behavior varies from culture to culture. It’s important to realize that the message you think you’re sending may mean something different if your partner is from another culture.

The tips given to improve general communication can also be useful in sexual life.

· Initialization and disallow initialization:

· Sex should be a two-way street. Letting your partner initiate shows that you care about what he or she likes; Initiating sex yourself shows your level of desire and interest.

· Switch between his and your choices: The only way to know what your partner likes and dislikes in bed is to talk to him about it. Remember that they share sensitive information that requires sensitivity.

· Realize that your partner is not a mind reader: We often assume that because a marriage lasts so many years, our partner must ‘just know’ what we like and don’t like. Even if you don’t like something, be prepared to tell your partner.

· Learn to communicate through difficulties: A good or healthy relationship does not mean a problem-free relationship. It also depends on the ability to skillfully deal with difficulties. If something is bothering you or you notice that something is bothering your partner, take the time to discuss it.

· KISS – Keep It Simple and Straight: Sex and communication are the cornerstones of intimacy in a relationship. The KISS formula helps provide a way to enhance communication and certainly does no harm when applied in the bedroom.

The author is a sexologist. Email Dr.narayana@deccanmail.com.