QUENTIN LETTS: This embrace lasted almost as long as the one he got from Lady Starmer last week
Defense Investment Plan has been published! Some doubted that the day would ever rise. But just as Odysseus’ mast was visible from Ithaca on the burgundy horizon, the epic journey was finally complete.
Defense Secretary Dan Jarvis made a Commons statement on the arrival of the long-delayed Plan. Rachel Reeves, sitting next to him on the front bench, looked tearful. This must be pride. Unless the poor sausage falters once again.
The plan consisted of 80 pages carved from political bone and gristle, complete with an introduction and photograph of Mr. Jarvis.
He’s only been on the job for two weeks. In that photo he was sitting at an empty table, looking impatient like a man about to say ‘bring me my dinner’. Or maybe ‘bring me my Plan’.
Before the Commons announcement, Mr Jarvis could be seen having a heated (rather sticky) debate with his predecessor, John Healey, behind the Speaker’s Bench.
Mr Healey resigned two weeks ago in protest at Mrs Reeves’ damnable refusal to cough up enough for the defense of our kingdom.
Now the behind-the-scenes wrangling was over and the damn thing was revealed; It was freely available on the Internet for all fans of Victorian melodrama.
The publication delay brought to mind the case of Illinois-born author Harold Brodkey, who for years has been rumored to have written the definitive American novel called A Party of Animals.
When, 19 years later, he finally delivered the 2,000-page manuscript to the Manhattan offices of Messrs. Farrar, Straus & Giroux, the development was a sensation worthy of a June 1976 report in the New York Times. Title: Brodkey Delivered.
Defense Secretary Dan Jarvis was seen today making his House of Commons statement on the arrival of the long-delayed Plan
After Rachel Reeves’ speech praising the Prime Minister, Keir Starmer came on stage and threw herself into her arms.
The arrival of the plan was met with almost less acclaim. Sir Keir Starmer, Mr Jarvis and Ms Reeves drove to a drone manufacturing firm in Maidenhead for the midday announcement. Mrs. Reeves gave a rather strange speech in which she boasted, with a strained smile, of her ill-fated tenure as Chancellor.
He finished his speech by greeting ‘my friend, our Prime Minister Keir Starmer’. She walked onto the stage and threw herself into his arms. Their embrace lasted almost as long as Lady Starmer’s embrace when she gave her tearful resignation speech last week.
Like so much modern fiction, The Plan fell victim to jargon, including ‘tactical casualty care’, ‘cooperative warfare’ and ‘lethality’, today’s preferred term for things that can turn the capable bodies of enemy troops into little more than a pink mist. When it comes to political lethality, there have been few weapons lately that fit the Plan.
This not only evaporated the ministerial careers of Mr Healey and his obtuse deputy Al Carns, but also largely finished off the Starmer-Reeves government. Moreover, it has caused intense upset for some of the hardest-working careerists in Whitehall and the Armed Forces.
Dignitaries at the Maidenhead drone factory included Chief of the Defense Staff, Air Chief Marshal Sir Richard Knighton. Front row for him. At the end of the event, he patted the Prime Minister on the arm and gave Ms Reeves a double mvav-mvav kiss. In general, I would prefer defense chiefs to greet a Prime Minister rather than shaking his arm.
Mind you, Sir Richard’s fighting prowess is beyond doubt. No one is just approaching Ms. Reeves for a job right now. He may eventually bite off your ear and tear it off.
The House of Commons was stunned by the Plan. Too little, too late: This was the general view not only of the Opposition but also of some Labor MPs.
Ms. Reeves could only endure the argument for so long before she was dragged away, her eyes bulging and her jaw hanging. He waved his little fingers at a few Labor friends and the deputy Speaker as he left.
We’ll close with Harold Brodkey. Despite the excitement generated by the submission of the manuscript, Animal Party never got it into print. The few quotes that have surfaced have received mixed reactions.
All this anticipation for a few bummer reviews.
