The hidden signs that your children’s friends AND their parents are using cocaine – and what you should do if they are: DEAR CAROLINE

Dear Caroline,

My daughter is studying at university with a boy she knew from primary school (but is not friends with). He has very rich parents. She told me that she knew he was often addicted to cocaine and that she was worried because she had seen him do dangerous things, including driving, when he was out of his mind.

Her mother’s number is still saved in an old WhatsApp group and I felt like she needed to know based on how I would feel if I were her mother. So I called him and told him as politely as I could that I heard a rumor that he was using cocaine. He got very angry, asked me how I knew, told me to mind my own business and hung up the phone. I saw this woman at the supermarket a few weeks later and she completely ignored me, as did the mutual acquaintances she was with.

I feel so bad, like I did something wrong, but I’m also so angry because I was just trying to help. While our children were in school together, I heard rumors that he used cocaine recreationally. Could guilt be part of his reaction?

Caroline West-Meads answers:

You didn’t do anything wrong. You acted out of concern, not malice, and I think most parents were hoping someone would warn them if their child was being careless with drugs.

Unfortunately, people rarely react calmly when confronted with something scary about their children, and yes, guilt can be part of this mother’s anger, too. Children often absorb what seems normal around them, and I would argue that there is no such thing as ‘recreational’ cocaine use. Cocaine is an illegal drug linked to violence, exploitation and misery far beyond the person taking it. Parents who blur these boundaries themselves may find it especially difficult to confront this possibility in their own child. Pursuing the matter further with him will do little good and will only deepen his hostility.

Meanwhile, your daughter seems sensible, compassionate, and mature enough to recognize dangerous behavior and act appropriately; so reassure him that he is doing his best too. However, the only area where I would not recommend silence is using alcohol or drugs. If you believe this young man got behind the wheel while intoxicated, it goes beyond private family matters and into public safety. In this case, reporting a suspected crime may be justified.

You can call the non-emergency police number 101 or report anonymously at crimestoppers-uk.org. Worrying about others is not a character flaw, so please don’t let this woman’s irrational reaction make you feel guilty.

Should I build bridges with my father?

Dear Caroline,

My father is not a bad man, but he was very strict when we were kids. He always looked angry. We had many arguments in my late teens and early 20s that were never resolved, and we have kept a cold but respectful distance ever since, mostly for my mother’s sake.

But as a father of young boys myself, one of whom is particularly challenging, I now realize that this role is not easy. I often catch myself being angry when I’m really stressed.

I don’t send Father’s Day cards, but I’m wondering if I should try to be closer and a better son this year.

Caroline West-Meads answers:

Yes, Father’s Day can bring up many thoughts, difficult or loving; sometimes both. Maybe you need to let go of the idea of ​​being a ‘better’ son, because maybe the superficial relationship with your father was the only one possible until now.

But I always encourage closeness and forgiveness, and it seems like age and experiencing the challenges of fatherhood have given you a new perspective. Maybe you can send him a happy Father’s Day message and when you see him again, kindly explain what you told me.

In the meantime, use this opportunity to tell your sons how difficult things are between you and your father, and how sometimes you unintentionally get angry at them. Open and honest communication, up and down, will help you build better relationships with the people you love.