The most emotionally intelligent couples do 3 things differently
As a relationship counselor with over 10 years of experience, I have learned that even the strongest couples face conflict. What sets emotionally intelligent couples apart is their ability to stay connected even when disagreements arise.
I worry more about couples who never fight because avoiding conflict altogether can hide unresolved pain. After all, the closer you are, the more likely breakouts are to occur, and how you handle them matters.
Here are three things emotionally intelligent couples do differently when they conflict.
1. They don’t assume the worst about their partner’s intentions
We’ve all been there. A sharp comment may seem like an attack on your character. For example, if you forget to send a message, this will be interpreted as you don’t care. Requesting space can be misunderstood as abandonment.
Research shows that when couples are distressed, they are more likely to interpret their partner’s behavior in a way that feels intentional, fixed, and personal (“you did”) This because you HE Psychologists call this “negative attribution bias.”
Before conflicts escalate into defensiveness and character attacks, I give my clients a simple exercise.
Write what you want to say. For example, “Why do you close the topic every time I open it?” Then cross out each sentence that diagnoses your partner’s motives (“you don’t care,” “you’re trying to…”, “always…”).
Then try reframing. Write down observable behavior, its impact on you, and a clear, actionable request: “When you’re quiet in moments like these, I start filling in the gaps on my own. I tell myself you don’t care or that I’m doing something wrong, and I feel alone very quickly. Even if you don’t know what else to say, just hearing where you are can really help.”
This is a great way to preserve your relationship while naming the problem and offering something constructive.
2. They take responsibility for their emotions and plan together how to regulate them
Emotionally intelligent couples don’t expect their partners to fix their emotions, but they also don’t exclude each other. The presence of a partner can help them stay organized and connected, even in anger or frustration.
Pausing during combat is one of the most difficult skills. This is hardest when you are triggered and have minimal access to your tools. I often encourage couples to plan ahead with a “clean pause” scenario: “I need 20 minutes to avoid saying something I’ll regret. I’ll be back.”
Continuing is just as important as pausing. Couples can also use shared regulation, which are small ways to calm down together: “Can we sit next to each other while we talk?” or “Can I hug first and then we can move on?”
These strategies help partners stay connected while taking responsibility for their own emotions.
3. They remain curious even during major conflicts
When people feel threatened, the brain loves shortcuts. Emotionally intelligent couples slow down this process and actually delve into each other’s inner worlds.
Associated with curiosity greater closeness and intimacy in conversations, especially in moments of disagreement.
One reason why curiosity disappears, whether within one, 10, or 20 years, is that we start living with our assumptions. We tell ourselves that we already know what our partner means, what he feels, and why he is doing this because the other person is so familiar.
The problem is, when you think you already know the story, you stop learning about your partner’s true experience. The conflict thus becomes two competing narratives rather than a common investigation of what really happened, even if you disagree.
Instead of assuming the worst, the most emotionally intelligent couples will ask questions like:
- “Can you help me understand what’s going on for you?”
- “What did you hear me say?”
- “What part of this seems the hardest?”
- “What’s on your mind lately that I haven’t asked?”
- “What do you want more right now?”
The strongest, most emotionally intelligent couples see who their partners are truly becoming, not who they want them to be or who they once were.
Baya Voce is a relationship expert who helps couples get back together after conflict. He holds an MSW degree from Columbia University. He speaks regularly at SXSW and TEDx talk on loneliness It has more than 5 million views.
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