The two words you need to help you push back at work

Saying “no” to a boss can feel impossible.

No matter what our job is, we all want to impress rather than disappoint.

But ambition can be a very slippery slope. Before you know it, work is coming to your home; it leaks into weekends and interrupts time with family and friends.

Experts agree that the way to stop the flow is to learn to set boundaries.

Career coach Helen Tupper, co-founder of Squiggly Careers, suggests a simple language exchange can help strengthen boundaries.

He recommends replacing “I can’t” with “I don’t.”

“I can’t” invites negotiation; “People may try to convince you that you can actually do it,” he says.

But “I don’t” is more definitive and harder to challenge.

For example, you might say, “I don’t go to meetings after 5pm on Wednesday because I pick up my kids at that time.”

Model and TV chef Lorraine Pascale says failure to do so ultimately leads to her burnout.

As well as her television career, she opened a patisserie in Covent Garden and published a number of cookbooks while raising her daughter.

“I wasn’t very good at saying no.

“You don’t want to upset people, everyone is talking in your ear about what you should do. So just keep going.” She told BBC Woman’s Hour.

He adds that his perfectionism, including personally approving every recipe in his books, doesn’t pay off.

According to Lorraine, the burnout manifested itself physically and mentally, including “not wanting to go near” the brownies.

“It was like a whole-body response—a tightness in my chest,” he explains. “I was arguing with myself. I was feeling a lot of self-blame, a lot of guilt, and a lot of fatigue.”

Lorraine’s experience shows that burnout can affect anyone at every level, even though statistics suggest it’s more likely to happen to women, in part due to family responsibilities.

Author of The Burnout Doctor, Dr. On a practical note, sticking to a strict routine of finishing work each day allows our brains to complete the “stress cycle” and enjoy free time, says Claire Ashley.

But the real solution is to adjust your goals according to your “current capacity”.

“Ask yourself whether what you want to accomplish is reasonable, given your mental and emotional resources at that moment,” she says.

In Lorraine’s case, this involved giving up cooking and going to therapy. This helped him realize that the toxic elements of his drive to impress stemmed from his childhood spent in foster care.

He says he has gotten “much better” since he started studying psychology himself, slowly returning to cooking in more “intentional” terms.

Of course, stress and long working hours are part of every job.

However, statistics show an increase in the number of workers reaching their breaking point.

Nine in 10 employees have experienced high or extreme levels of pressure or stress in the past year research suggests.

It’s not the same as feeling stressed or exhausted clinical burnout – even though we often use the term loosely.

Dr Ashley says fatigue, disconnection and decreased performance are three defining symptoms.

Unless we meet all of these, we do not yet experience diagnosable burnout. But of course, that doesn’t mean we’re not on the road.

Tupper, who wrote the book after experiencing burnout himself, says it’s important to stop, celebrate and acknowledge your own accomplishments, not just focus on the next thing.

Tupper adds that doing our best to avoid comparisons with our peers can also help, so we run our own race.

Of course, not everyone is in a position to step back in the workplace; especially in corporate or hierarchical business environments.

NHS psychiatrist and author of Burnout-Free Work. Richard Duggins helps patients who often feel unable to set boundaries.

He encourages workers to talk to their bosses, no matter how junior.

“Most employers, even stubborn ones, will listen and make adjustments when they realize that preventing burnout benefits everyone.”

Setting limits, asking for help, or adjusting workload or flexibility can all help, he says, but ultimately if the workplace environment isn’t changing, we need to make changes to protect ourselves.

Dr Ashley notes that appreciating our life stages can help with this.

“It’s safe to say that someone who works part-time or has family responsibilities may not be able to handle the workload of a younger colleague.”

As Lorraine puts it: “It’s good to be ambitious. It’s good to be ambitious, but learn to say no.”

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