‘We need to talk about how difficult it is’: why one couple are pinning surrogacy hopes on Mexico | Society

J.ules Von She has always wanted a baby for as long as she can remember. For many people, this dream is easy to come true; However, as a gay man, he always knew that this would require years of knowledge and research.

The only way she can have a biological child is by using a surrogate mother, which costs tens of thousands of pounds and often takes years of searching to find the right partner. For Von Hep, this has been an “incredibly painful, incredibly expensive” process.

“I always knew that surrogacy was the option I wanted to give up. That actually led to the career choices I made, how I worked, and making sure I always had money saved in the bank for fertility,” she said.

Von Hep and her partner, Mark Beverlo, started trying to become parents in 2020. They enrolled in an in vitro fertilization clinic, purchased donor eggs and submitted to stringent sperm testing requirements. They soon found themselves facing skyrocketing charges, starting from £1,000 for a single consultation session to up to £13,000 for a series of embryo creations, including one failed attempt.

They then registered with an agency where the waiting list for UK-based women who volunteered to be surrogates was two to three years. Von Hep browsed some unregulated Facebook groups where prospective parents introduce themselves to potential surrogates. “I couldn’t stand the idea of ​​risking our lives and standing in front of the house with a dog and saying, ‘This is what we’ve got.'”

Eventually, the surrogacy agency matched the couple with a woman and embryo transfers began for £5,000 each. When these didn’t work, they opted to attempt home insemination, sometimes called “turkey basting.”

This approach also failed, and Von Hep and her partner decided to abandon surrogacy in the UK. They have turned their sights abroad: Ukraine, the most popular destination, has been closed due to war, leaving the US, which is prohibitively expensive at around £250,000, and Canada and Mexico, where surrogacy is legalized for same-sex parents in 2021.

They were lucky to get to Mexico at a cost of around £60-90,000. While costs are similar to the United Kingdom, which has a non-commercial altruistic model of surrogacy where the surrogate mother’s expenses are paid, some Mexican states take a commercial approach.

“The difference in doing this commercially is incredible. Knowing that egg donors are paid, everyone is, so there’s nothing ambiguous about it,” he said.

The cost includes all medical bills and expenses, as well as the cost of carrying the pregnancy, which the agency they work with, My Surrogacy Journey Mexico City (MSJMX), says it usually costs around MXN388,000 (£16,914).

“[Our surrogate] She has been a surrogate mother before and is also trying to start a business. I think this is where commercial surrogacy helps. He was very clear about this. He said: ‘Yes, I’m trying to start my own business and it’s a great way to make extra money.’

“For me, that answer was really refreshing. I’m like, okay, I’m perfect. We’re all in this together. Everyone gets what they need. There’s no darkness.”

The agency the couple worked with is based in the UK and helped them find their surrogate mother, whom they met via video call. She also has a queer foundation, which Von Hep thinks makes her more supportive and sensitive to their circumstances.

There are concerns that regulations in Mexico (two states ban it and three have laws regulating the practice) leave women open to abuse. Researchers have raised concerns that poor women may “rent their wombs as a survival strategy” and there have been reports of women being forced into surrogacy by abusive husbands.

MSJMX says that “ensuring the ethical and legal protection of both intended parents and surrogates is one of our highest priorities” and that it only operates in “surrogacy-friendly states” such as Mexico City. The agency said it works with “highly experienced, independent human rights experts and leading surrogacy lawyers in Mexico City who have an exceptional understanding of reproductive legislation and family law.”

The couple sent their sperm to Mexico, selected a new egg donor and had the embryos fertilized. Now they are waiting for the transfer to start.

If all goes as planned, after their baby is born, Von Hep and Beverlo will move to Mexico for about three to six months to sort out their baby’s passport; This is a potentially worrying process. They will need to apply for a parental order in the family courts to become legal parents when they return to the UK.

Von Hep and her partner decided that this would be their last attempt to become biological parents. Still, he feels a passing excitement that this time it might finally work; so much so that he offered surrogacy to other gay and straight couples he knew in Mexico who were struggling with fertility.

“It’s like the wild west in the UK. The professionalism of the Mexican clinics; I can’t fault that. It’s incredible and costs the same price,” he said.

Despite her frustration with the system, she is incredibly grateful to women who carry other people’s babies. “Anyone who wants to be a surrogate mother is like an angel on earth. Whether it’s helping a friend, a relative, or a complete stranger, it’s one of the most selfless acts of kindness and love I can think of. If it weren’t for the helpfulness of surrogate mothers, we wouldn’t even be able to imagine having children of our own,” she said.

But mostly he wants to talk about his surrogacy journey to challenge the taboo and add his voice to the growing conversation on social media about the challenges gay men face in becoming parents, from adoption to surrogacy.

“I think conversations about gay men having babies and how much it costs and how hard it is need to be talked about so that it’s not so hard for the generations below me,” he said.

“The more same-sex relationships are accepted and embraced in this country, the more gay men will want to have families, because that social norm is changing to include same-sex couples.”