When my best friend of 30 years told me she was having an affair I was shocked – but then she asked me to do something that almost destroyed MY marriage. Read this before you judge me…

There’s no shock like that coming from someone you’re sure you know inside and out. When my best friend of over 30 years told me she was having an affair, I laughed out loud, thinking it was a joke. How else could it be?

We texted every day, a constant, endless conversation where we consulted each other on everything from what to have for lunch to whether or not we should increase our HRT prescriptions.

I bet I knew everything about Sophie, and I did since the day we met at university. It was the equivalent of love at first sight to friendship, and we had shared every detail of our lives since then. Or so I thought.

Now suddenly a bombshell. She was sleeping with a man who was not her husband; He was a man she met through her work, whose interest and desire invigorated her in ways she had never imagined before. It had been going on for months.

I was stunned. Not only did I never believe Sophie could do this, I couldn’t understand how I hadn’t noticed what was going on in her life, let alone something this important.

I was hurt, confused, and had a strange feeling that I would disappoint him. We both complained about our husbands, but I assumed he agreed with me: these were just normal marital disappointments over the course of a few decades.

I clearly underestimated how unhappy he was; how unseen and unappreciated she felt by her husband. She had now transformed from a sloppy, invisible, middle-aged mother into a tiny, sexy kitten.

Her eyes sparkled with excitement as she told me the X-rated details: ‘I’ve been dying to tell you!’ he chuckled. I haven’t seen him this excited in years.

Sophie was sleeping with a man who was not her husband; A man she met through her work, whose interest and desire stimulated her in ways she could never have imagined before (image taken by models)

It soon became clear why Sophie had finally trusted me. Her lover, who is also married, had initially insisted that neither of them tell anyone about this, but now they agreed that they should confess to someone they trust. They needed help, or rather excuses, so they could continue meeting.

“I used every excuse in the book,” Sophie laughed. The effort of having to lie to the man he had sworn to be faithful to was infuriating him.

He looked at me pleadingly, sure that I would do anything for him, including this. Even if I didn’t approve it, which I didn’t for the record. But she was my best friend – the Thelma to my Louise – we would have lived or died for each other, and always had.

So who was I to judge? I had also made some questionable choices over the years.

Before I met my husband, he held my hand when I repeatedly returned to my ex who was clearly breaking bad news, never lecturing me or indicating that he had told me so. He supported me and listened to the same story over and over again. This is what you did for a friend.

Our situation became even more complicated when our husbands, with whom we spent time together as a family for years, were now friends. So if I told mine what was going on, he would have to lie to his wife, even by omission. This felt like a huge ask, and I thought the kindest thing I could do for my man was to keep him in the dark. I told myself it was for his own good.

At the time, when Sophie and I were making all these decisions about how this was going to work, I don’t think I realized that that meant I, too, was going to lie to my husband – that I was going to, in a sense, suffer all the downsides of having an affair with no sex or fun. I think I started feeling guilty in that first conversation, and I still carry that with me.

What worked to our advantage was the stereotype that men don’t actually talk. When our husbands meet for a beer or text each other, they may chat or joke about football, but they don’t discuss their relationships or logistics.

‘Our wives are going out together this evening, aren’t they?’ The probability of saying that was extremely low. Or ‘Our spouses watched a movie together last night, right?’

Still, that didn’t stop me from throwing a fit when Sophie first told her husband that she and I were going to have dinner and instead meet the Other Man at a hotel near his office.

Since her husband was friends with her best friend’s husband, Eliza decided that the best thing she could do for her husband was not to inform him about this situation (picture taken by models)

Every time my husband or I got a notification on our phones, I got goosebumps. My husband noticed I was nervous and asked if I was okay. At that moment, I found something about how one of the side effects of perimenopause is increased anxiety; I shocked myself at how quickly the lie was revealed. I was embarrassed but relieved that I didn’t fall at the first hurdle.

As time went on, Sophie and I became complacent. If our families met, I would put this relationship out of my mind so I could look her husband in the eye and laugh with him normally. It was uncomfortable, but being a good friend wasn’t black and white or always easy.

The more we got away from making up the truth, the less it seemed like a big deal. Initially, I would lie awake at night worrying, envisioning all the possible scenarios that could lead to detection, desperately searching for escape routes – plans B, C and D, just in case.

But as I got away with it time and time again, it seemed like I wasn’t panicking about anything. It was a breeze for six months. The only thing I was struggling with up until then was not being honest with my husband.

Even though I knew I had a good reason (the secret I was keeping wasn’t mine), it was the exact opposite of how we usually worked. Of course, our relationship was not perfect, but the trust between us was the basis of everything.

Still, there were extenuating circumstances, and while I prayed that day would never come, I was sure he would understand if I explained.

Finally, a tacky little toy giraffe exposed Sophie’s affair.

About nine months later, she told her husband that we were going to a spa hotel to spend the night. Earlier that week my daughter Gracey had left the Giraffe at Sophie’s house and her husband knew she missed him so he decided to drop her off.

No matter how much I want to, I will never, ever forget the look on his face when I opened the door. Or the way his expression changes from shock to surprise to a sudden heartbreaking realization of what’s really going on.

I opened my mouth to make an excuse but luckily he cut me off because I had no idea what to say.

He raised his hand to silence me and said: ‘Please. Sufficient.’ He looked disgusted and horrified. These were the last words he said to me.

Shaking as I closed the door, I ran to call Sophie and tell her the terrible news. The call went directly to voicemail. I had visions of her and her lover, after a night of passion, enjoying a leisurely hotel breakfast in bed in matching terry dressing gowns, completely unaware that her life was exploding at home.

Later – much later – he told me that he had forgotten to take his charger with him and his battery was dead, so he went back to his house with no idea what he was getting into.

My husband was furious with me for getting involved, let alone betraying him by being dishonest all the time. He didn’t believe I would risk our marriage to cover up Sophie’s affair.

I had to admit that he was right when he said that. It never seemed like such a clear decision right now. Because she felt like she no longer knew who I was, she insisted that we meet with a couples counselor while she tried to rebuild trust between us.

Thank God he was able to accept my passionate objections that I was acting this way because I was misguidedly trying to be faithful to my friend, otherwise I really think he could have ended our marriage.

Sophie and her husband stayed together. They don’t ‘believe’ in therapy, so they try to figure it out on their own. He now thinks that she is trying to attract his attention with this relationship and is determined to solve the problems between them.

Her husband doesn’t want to see me or my husband anymore. She thinks my husband knew what was going on and was laughing behind our backs the whole time.

He hasn’t forbidden Sophie from being friends with me, but he finds it very triggering if she says she’s going out with me because that was the lie that facilitated his infidelity. Anyway, Sophie and I hardly see each other anymore, and when we do, it’s not the same. There is so much bubbling under the surface.

I suspect he blames me for answering the door that day, and honestly, I resent the damage his affair has done to my marriage. But we didn’t talk about it because we’ve had enough tough conversations and fights with our husbands lately. We are both exhausted.

It’s hard not to notice the irony: I tried to be a good friend and lost him in the process. I can’t help but wonder how much worse it could have been if I had refused to give an excuse when Sophie asked me. How could we be further away than we are now?

As this mess heads into the rearview mirror, I know I made the wrong decision. The problem is, I’m still not sure what the right thing is.

Eliza Fisher is a pseudonym. Names and identification information have been changed.