The No. 1 parenting trend that worries me
I spent seven years studying high-achieving students, interviewing hundreds of students and their families.
Many young people I met described monitoring their grades, rankings, and resumes as if they were constantly assessing their worth. Achievement assumes such a large role in some families, leading some children to wonder whether their parents’ love is linked to their own performance.
Success culture promises to open doors by arguing that better grades and better college degrees guarantee better futures. But a growing mass research It shows that this relentless pursuit can fuel perfectionism, a trait linked to higher rates of anxiety and depression.
So what can a parent do to guard against this narrow view of success and self-worth?
We can help young people direct their self-focused attention outwards. Children “How am I?” “Where can I be useful?” They develop a stronger identity based on contribution rather than performance. Small, everyday ways of feeling needed—helping a neighbor, being trusted at home, joining a team—can buffer against this harmful internal scoring and build a more solid sense of self-worth.
When children attribute their efforts to something beyond themselves, daily stressors become more manageable. They stop believing that they are just a grade or score and start feeling like an important person in the world. Here’s how:
1. Help children recognize real needs in their environment
A woman told me recently that she was walking to the park with her two young children when she saw her elderly neighbor combing her lawn. The neighbor did not accept the woman’s offer of help, but still the woman took her children out of the car and they took rakes and piled leaves into bags.
The kids talked about it all afternoon; how happy their neighbors are, how much fun they have, and how good it feels to be useful. They were experiencing what psychologists call “helper high” and a growing sense of agency.
To help children look beyond themselves, ask “What do you think they might need today?” Try directions like: or “Who can help right now?” Regular actions such as checking on neighbors, delivering meals, and volunteering strengthen children’s sense of belonging in the community.
2. Contribute to daily routines
One mother I interviewed taped a piece of paper on the front door with a short list of family duties. When his children came home from school, he would ask them to sign for what they could buy that day.
Over time, these small commitments helped their children see themselves not just as kids who sometimes helped out, but also as contributors to their families.
This shift towards auxiliary identity is important. In a study conducted on 149 children aged between 3 and 6, researchers found that thanking children for “helping” rather than “helping” significantly increased their willingness to help. The idea of being a helpful person motivated them.
Against studies, People who feel useful and engaged show less stress and greater resilience, suggesting that contribution is protective.
3. Make invisible maintenance work visible
Children learn generosity by watching us. However, modeling alone is not enough. We must make our thoughts visible.
When you check on a neighbor, bring soup to a sick friend, or help someone who seems overwhelmed, explain the “why” behind your actions.
You can say, “I brought him soup so he knows he’s not alone.” Or you can explain: “She looked like she needed help with those bags” or “I texted her because I had a feeling today might be difficult.” These little explanations give kids a mental model of why we help and an internal script they can use themselves.
In a culture that often reduces young people to what they have achieved, helping them look outside is one of the most powerful antidotes we have to excessive pressure.
When young people discover ways to contribute that are not tied to external measures, they gain a more solid understanding of who they are and the larger role they can play in the world.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace is an award-winning journalist and New York Times bestselling author of “Never Enough: When the Culture of Success Becomes Toxic and What Can We Do About It?“ She lives in New York with her husband and three children. You can follow him on Instagram @jenniferbrehenywallace.
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