What to do when someone you love tells you they’re not OK
“It’s okay to not be okay” is a well-known expression. sanity to campaign.
It is positive because it validates a normal part of human experience and encourages people to share their feelings.
However, it can be difficult to hear someone you care about tell you that they’re actually “no good”; You don’t want to say the wrong thing or make the situation worse.
But psychologist and Beyond Blue clinic spokesperson Dr. Luke Martin says this experience is common.
“Everyone has ups and downs in their mental health from time to time,” she says, and sometimes those fluctuations can be a sign of a mental health problem.
“Almost half of Australians will experience a mental health condition such as: depression or anxiety“says Martin.
“This means that mental health problems have a significant impact on their ability to function on a daily basis.”
Without the right support, these conditions can affect people for long periods of time and in many areas of their lives, including relationships, education and career.
Men are affected differently
Australian Psychological Society CEO Dr Zena Burgess says mental health conditions can have a significant impact, especially among men.
“Seven Australian men die by suicide every day, devastating families, friends and communities; approximately 75 per cent of all suicide deaths in Australia are men,” he says.
Contributing to this is the stigma around mental health, which, although decreasing, still makes it difficult for men to talk openly without shame and seek help when they are struggling.
“Men often fear judgment and shame for expressing their emotional vulnerability,” Burgess explains.
“Social expectations that men should appear strong, stoic, and unemotional can make it more difficult to seek help and contribute to isolation by limiting opportunities to form close, supportive relationships.”
What can you do if someone tells you they are no good?
When someone opens up, Burgess says it’s important to validate their feelings and show empathy.
“You can say, ‘Thank you for sharing this with me, I can tell you it wasn’t easy,'” she advises.
Asking open questions is also helpful because it invites more detailed answers and can give insight into what’s wrong.
An obvious question might be: “It sounds like you are going through a difficult time – what is going on for you right now?” However, “Are you okay?” It is a closed question that invites a yes/no answer.
Burgess says you may notice indecisiveness in the responses of those who initially struggle to share, such as “yes, no, I’m fine most of the time.”
“Commenting gently on indecisiveness can help,” she says.
“For example, “I’m glad to hear you’re mostly okay, do you mind sharing the part that’s not okay?”
Ensuring you focus on your own experiences rather than shifting the conversation to them is just as important as listening and not judging.
Men may need a different approach
While these approaches can work for both men and women, Ireni Farag, counseling program leader at Western Sydney University, says there are differences in how men and women respond to support, largely due to emotions, vulnerability and social conditioning around seeking help.
“Many men have been socialized to value self-confidence, strength, and problem-solving, which can make emotional conversations feel uncomfortable or alien,” she says.
“Practical, respectful and non-confrontational approaches often work best.”
For example, Farag says it can be more effective to talk side by side during an activity rather than directly face to face.
“Invite them for a walk, to the gym, for a ride, or on a shared task. Conversations often open up more naturally in these moments,” says Farag.
Additionally, some men may have a hard time expressing how they feel, so it can be helpful to focus on what’s going on rather than labeling the emotions.
“For example: [you might say] “You seem to be very busy lately. How are you coping with all this?” This can gradually lead to deeper emotional discussions.
Signs that someone may be having trouble without telling you directly
While some people talk about their difficulties, sometimes shame, embarrassment or other factors may make people, especially men, reluctant to do so.
But there are signs to look out for that indicate someone is struggling; The first of these is behavior that is different from normal.
Others include “significant behavioral changes such as social withdrawal, persistent sadness, excessive anxiety, irritability or increased drinking, gambling or other distractions,” says Andrew King, a practice expert at Relationships Australia, NSW.
“Other indicators include sudden changes in personality, neglect of hygiene, changes in sleep or appetite, low energy or overly energetic behavior, or decreased enjoyment of once pleasurable hobbies.”
Supporter is not a therapist
While your family and friends can be an important support network, it’s important to remember that you’re not an expert.
“Don’t take on the role of advisor yourself,” says King.
“If there are things that concern you, work with that person to find the right help and be there as a support team.”
Martin agrees, saying, “It’s okay to say, ‘I don’t know what to say or what to do, but I’m sure we can figure it out together.'”
It is important to encourage them to access mental health support through services such as their GP, Beyond Blue, Relationships Australia, Lifeline and Mensline Australia.
How can you support them in the long term?
When people experience mental health issues it is often not a quick fix and ongoing help may be needed.
Martin says it’s critical to understand that people’s support needs can be individual and change over time, even from day to day.
“Develop the habit of checking what might be useful right now. [Ask them whether it would help] to talk about it? To solve problems? Want to distract yourself? Do you need some space?” Explains.
And finally, don’t forget to put on your own oxygen mask first.
“Make sure you give yourself the time and space you need so you can continue to be there for them over time.”
Support is available at: Beyond Blue at 1300 22 4636, Child Helpline 1800 55 In 1800, Lifeline On 13 11 14, Menslife Australia from 1300 78 99 78 and Relations Australia From 1300 364 277.
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