DEAR CAROLINE: After my dad died we sorted out his personal possessions and discovered things so disturbing it’s destroyed my family – and my memories of my dear granny

Q My father died recently. He was very controlling and resisted putting my 92-year-old mother, who has dementia, into a care home, which made him more vindictive and violent. He died suddenly shortly after being forcibly moved into a house by social services.

My father died recently. He was very controlling and resisted putting my 92-year-old mother, who has dementia, into a care home, which made him more vindictive and violent. He died suddenly shortly after being forcibly moved into a house by social services.

My sister and I are cleaning my parents’ house. My father was secretive and a hoarder, we were never allowed to be alone there. To our surprise, we discovered nude, sexually explicit photos of us from our childhood and explicit photos of my mother’s mother. There was clearly an affair between my father and his mother-in-law. That explains why my grandfather banned it from their house. I don’t know what to feel.

My doctor is very concerned and has referred me to counseling and prescribed antidepressants, but I am beyond normal grief. I’m so independent that it worries me. What surprised me was that I had a new protective attitude towards my mother. He was cold, selfish and critical. But I even left behind the feeling that he knew us and blamed us. I feel sorry for him because I understand that everyone in his life betrayed him.

All of this must die with him because I can’t take these unbearable feelings any further.

A. This is a painful legacy for you and your sister. What your father did amounts to sexual abuse and is a terrible thing to discover. This is a profound betrayal of everything a parent should be.

This, as well as the discovery that he was having an affair with his own mother-in-law – your grandmother – is another layer of deception for you, your sister and your mother. Your perception of your grandmother (perhaps a woman you loved) has been deeply shaken.

It says a lot about you that you can feel compassion for your mother even now, despite how she treated you and what you now suspect she knows. It’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed. This feeling of disconnection can occur when the mind is faced with too much; It’s a way to protect you.

I understand your doctor’s concern. Be aware that antidepressants may take several weeks to work; So if you feel at risk contact your doctor or the Samaritans (on 116 123) immediately. In the meantime, you need support. Counseling will be helpful, and you can ask your doctor about trauma-related conditions, including PTSD, so you can receive appropriate treatment. Mind.org.uk has information on this. Also contact napac.org.uk, which supports people affected by childhood abuse. With the right help, this immense grief and despair will be alleviated.

HOW CAN I SAY NO WITHOUT LOOKING RUDE?

Q My husband and I have been friends with another couple (whom we met through a sports club) for about 15 years. However, while she still gets along with her husband, I am tired of his wife.

Our youngest adult child has mental health issues and I have an elderly father who needs support. Her life is spent deciding where to go on their next holiday, whether to go to the gym or buy designer clothes. He keeps asking me to do things with him and now they want us to go on holiday with them, which I would never choose to do. How can I persuade him to back off without being rude?

A. I’m so sick of this woman and I haven’t even met her! Maybe he’s being generous in including you but doesn’t understand the complexities of your life. But it seems disappointingly superficial.

I also suspect that you feel overwhelmed because there is so much going on between you and both your father and your child, so the contrast between his life and yours creates a gap. It’s weird if your husband stays friends with her, but you’re definitely allowed to refuse.

Without further explanation, say that you are really struggling right now and just want to have a vacation alone with your husband. If he’s upset, that’s his problem, not yours.