Faking football: How to bluff your way through England’s quarter-final clash with Norway – from Bellingham’s and Haaland’s ‘bromance’… to manager Thomas Tuchel’s steamy love life

Whether you like football or not, the match between England and Norway will be inevitable. He’ll be attacking weddings, dinner parties, and barbecues later today, and the fire he creates will be contagious.

A quiet afternoon of national expectation will also trigger the football bores and nerds who emerge like flying ants for such occasions.

You may find yourself standing next to someone. So, in the interest of leveling the playing field, here is a list of cheats that will allow you to protect yourself in any football conversation.

1.WAG2.0

With the WAG stereotype out of the way, feel free to talk about Erling Haaland’s other half, Isabel Haugseng Johansen.

A good athlete herself, she played for Bryne FK, currently in the Norwegian women’s football First Division, where she met the young Haaland. They had a baby boy in December 2024.

Johansen inverts the classic WAG aesthetic exemplified by Victoria Beckham, Cheryl Tweedy, Coleen Rooney and others in Baden-Baden during the 2006 World Cup.

Her style is Scandi minimalism with clean tailoring, muted colors and indifference to fame.

Haaland, on the other hand, has become football’s fashion maximalist; She happily steps out in zebra-print pajamas and carries suitcase-sized bags.

Say: ‘He’s actually the one who knows how to step back defensively. ‘She’s busy browsing through Hermes Birkin bags.’

Don’t say ‘Rebecca Vardy is innocent’.

2. Eel in Norsk?*

Many boring football players will evaluate possession percentages and shots on goal stats, but most will get stuck on Norwegian name pronunciations. This is an opportunity to achieve a goal.

Norway striker Erling Haaland is not ‘Er-ling Ha-land’, but ‘A-lin Haw-lan’.

And midfielder Martin Ødegaard is no ‘Mar-tin Ode-gard’. ‘Ma-tin is pronounced closer to Ur-de-gord’.

Say: ‘The Norwegian letter ‘Ø’ is misleading, but is pronounced as ‘urr’ without the r sound.’

Don’t say ‘Why do they use the national speed limit sign in their name?’

(*Do you speak Norwegian?)

Martin Ødegaard, who played for Norway and Arsenal, has the Norwegian letter ‘Ø’ in his name.

3. Lionize the Lionesses

Uncover the biggest historic trump card in the women’s game as the men in the room begin to sweat about Norway’s physical superiority.

At Euro 2022, the England Lionesses advanced to the quarter-finals by thoroughly defeating Norway with an 8-0 record.

Remind the room that British women have shown exactly how to break the Scandinavian spirit.

Say: ‘Let’s hope the men channel their 2022 Lionesses. This eight-zero blow must remain a psychological wound for Norway.’

Don’t say, ‘I really enjoyed the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders at the England-Croatia game.’

Ellen White celebrates her third goal as England’s Lionesses beat Norway 8-0 at Euro 2022; this was the tournament’s largest ever margin of victory

4. Numbers game

When a score boring person tries to manipulate World Cup goal stats on you, dismiss them with this:

With 14 goals in the World Cup, Harry Kane became England’s top scorer in the World Cup, breaking Gary Lineker’s previous record of ten goals.

He also surpassed Brazilian icon Pele (12 goals) during this tournament run.

Say: ‘Fourteen goals in the World Cup? Lineker must be crying into his chips.’

‘How many points is a goal worth?’ Don’t say.

Harry Kane becomes England’s all-time top World Cup goalscorer in this year’s tournament

5. True brotherhood

One of the subtexts of this match will be the friendship between England’s poster boy Jude Bellingham and Norway’s Haaland.

Their time playing together for German club Borussia Dortmund provided a goldmine of online content, and their truly close relationship and interactions on and off the pitch have been compared to the popular gay sports romance Heated Rivalry.

Say: ‘Being able to balance friendship with competitive rivalry is the mark of a true professional.’

Don’t say: ‘I bet they just want to cuddle at the end of the game.’

Jude Bellingham and Erling Haaland played together at German club Borussia Dortmund

6. Toxic Tuchel rumor

England manager Thomas Tuchel did his best to let his managerial expertise speak for itself as the drama spilled into the dressing room.

In 2022, while he was managing Chelsea, his wife of 13 years, Sissi, a respected journalist with the German daily Süddeutsche Zeitung, filed for divorce, sparking poisonous gossip in the Chelsea dressing room.

He then quickly formed a partnership with a Brazilian girlfriend who was 13 years his junior. Tuchel continues to intensely protect his and his two children’s privacy.

Say: ‘Tuchel is great, but let’s hope his tactical focus is separate from his personal life.’

Don’t say: ‘I heard you once looked like a model, and frankly, you still do.’

Thomas Tuchel photographed with his wife Sissi, a journalist, in Germany in 2018

7. Wounded pride

England’s most serious injury in the World Cup campaign so far was not caused by a rough tackle or clash of heads.

Instead, midfielder Jordan Henderson, who sat on the bench for the entire England-Mexico match, broke his ankle while celebrating his team’s dramatic victory.

It got stuck on a billboard. This has been described as ‘the biggest event in England’ that has ever happened.

Say: ‘Only England can lose a player after the match is actually over.’

‘Who beat him?’ Don’t say.

Jordan Henderson broke his ankle jumping over a billboard after England’s win against Mexico last week

8. New Jersey

There’s a subtle code when it comes to replica kits that true fans will understand.

If you want to know who watches football all year long and who attends the World Cup, look at the jersey.

Brand new replica shirts, still wrinkled, scream: ‘I’m just here for the barbecue.’

Say: ‘Is this the Gazza Italia 90 shirt? ‘It’s just something I pulled out of the cupboard.’

Don’t say ‘There was a special deal on Sports Direct this morning’.

Paul Gascoigne (right) is consoled by teammate Terry Butcher after losing the 1990 World Cup semi-final to West Germany.

9. Jurassic Selection

England fans have spent years defending Jordan Pickford from opposition fans who insisted he had short “T-Rex arms” despite being one of the country’s best penalty-saving goalkeepers.

Newcastle fans have turned the joke into an art form; They took inflatable dinosaurs to matches against Pickford’s Everton and dressed as Tyrannosaurus Rexes to distract him.

Say: ‘Funny how the guy with the T-Rex arms keeps saving penalties.’

‘Who is the short man with the big gloves?’ Don’t say.

England goalkeeper Jordan Pickford was mocked by fans who mocked his ‘T-Rex arms’

10. In case of punishment

Nothing turns otherwise sane adults into quivering wrecks like England’s penalty shootout.

Years of heartbreak have conditioned us to expect the worst, but England has quietly transformed the punishments from a national trauma into something approaching science.

Sports psychologists encourage players taking a penalty to pause after the referee blows the whistle.

Say: ‘Watch how much time they spend before the race. ‘England has been trained not to rush into these matters.’

Don’t say, ‘I just want to give a big hug to the one who misses me.’ It’s just a game after all!’

England last won the penalty shoot-out against Switzerland in the Euro 2024 quarter-final, with Pickford saving Manuel Akanji’s penalty kick.