My friends owe me money from 8 months ago—is it too late to ask?
My fiancé and I are about to become the winners of our friend group’s March Madness pool. No matter how things shake out, no matter which team wins, one of us is certain to win the pool; Either way, it’s a victory for our collective wedding fund.
But as we were calculating our final earnings, I realized something. I’m also running a fantasy football league that I can’t actually win. I paid the prizes to the winner and runner-up in December, but had I collected everyone’s entry fee?
A quick return to my Venmo account revealed that I had not done so. Apparently many friends had not paid before or after the draft in August. Now it’s been eight months and I’ve lost a few hundred dollars, which raises another question: Are there any limitations when it comes to shooting people for money they owe you? Am I too late?
According to etiquette experts, no.
“I don’t think anyone who is an unwitting lender should feel awkward or uncomfortable about asking for something they are entitled to,” says Thomas Farley, an etiquette expert known as Mister Manners and author of the book. Mr Manners Mondays bulletin.
But etiquette experts say asking for your money back after a long period of time requires some finesse. After all, you’re only here to take what’s yours; Not to appear unimportant, embarrass anyone, or hurt their feelings.
How can you ask for the money you owe?
Before you take any action, remember that you and your friend are unlikely to feel the same way about money, Farley says. Those who don’t have money are likely to have an “elephant-like” memory for what they owe, Farley says, “so that the person who receives that money often forgets it very quickly.”
In most cases, once you ask, “they’ll be embarrassed,” Farley says. “And if they’re good people, they’ll fix it right away. So I wouldn’t hesitate. I think it’s all about your approach.”
Of course, this only applies if there is a legitimate debt. Charging your friend $6 for a beer you bought last July would seem tacky, Farley says.
There are a few do’s and don’ts in situations like a fantasy league where more than one person owes me money, says Diane Gottsman, a national etiquette expert and owner of the Texas Protocol School.
Sending a general email to let people know they still owe you money can be a good first step, but she says it’s important to avoid calling out specific people in front of the group to avoid embarrassing anyone. Another no-no — especially after some time has passed — is sending a request for money on Venmo without context.
“If you got the check when we went to dinner and it arrived three days later, that’s OK; it’s just a quick reminder,” says Gottsman. “But if it goes on too long, it will feel passive aggressive.”
In most cases, he says, the best thing you can do is reach out to your friends individually. If it’s the first time in a long time, framing things as a “friendly reminder” can get the job done.
The more you have to follow up (and you shouldn’t be afraid of it), the stronger you need to be in your demands while remaining optimistic, says Gottsman. For example, she suggests giving a due date and refund method: “Hi Sarah. I hope you’re doing well. I’m tracking the money you owe me for XYZ. Can you Venmo me by Friday?”
If the money is large or your friend is struggling financially, you can talk to them about a payment schedule or having you repaid in installments, says Gottsman. He says it’s etiquette to do so, even if it’s uncomfortable: “No matter how nice we want to be, we have to be open and politely firm.”
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