The honest guide to Essex commuter towns: SYBILLA HART, a resident of 13 years, reveals the seedy High Street in need of a jet wash, the ‘unhappy’ area full of soulless show homes and the lethal pothole hotspot – and where to move instead

Frustrated by my search for a home in the Cotswolds where I grew up, my family and I moved 13 years ago to suburban North Essex, closer to where my husband Charlie’s relatives lived.

But when I first arrived it felt like I was stuck in a time warp, very Lovejoy-like.

My cleaner (I don’t hire one anymore as it costs around £20 an hour) was skeptical of avocados until I gave her one to try, and if you asked for coconut water from the village shop they’d think you were talking about cheap conditioner.

Estate agents now tout many of the county’s suburban towns as ‘the future’ – but I have to laugh when I hear some of the areas they mean. They’re still about as appealing as cuddling a dog after a muddy walk.

But there are a few hidden gems that homeowners will be lucky to experience; Others may need to move into a Soho House or a celebrity to be even remotely interesting. I think you should give it some time.

In the meantime, here’s my honest guide to Essex: from the sad town full of sad show houses to a place as beautiful as any Cotswold village…

Where to avoid?

Brain Tree

Braintree is frequently thrown out – like so many wheelie bins – by low-browed estate agents who insist it’s an up-and-coming suburban town while holding on to straws. Not so.

It may be a suburban town but that’s the only thing in its favor. Real estate agents have one thing right; Braintree has good value but that’s based on the fact that no one wants to live there.

Although Braintree town center has a lovely street full of pink Tudor houses, the only thing that really does well here is the M&S Food Hall in Freeport Village.

But don’t get me started on Freeport. It is intended to rival Bicester Village. If only. The restaurants are all overpriced chains (a milkshake costs £10) and almost every shop you enter will rip you off.

Then we arrive at Braintree, which is a pain as there is traffic ‘wheezing’ right next to a McDonald’s and a gas station selling undrinkable coffee. I would go so far as to say that I wouldn’t be disappointed if I never had to go to Braintree again in my life.

Perhaps politicians thought so too, setting up an accommodation area for male refugees in nearby Wethersfield, which did not sit well with the locals.

Shops along the high street in Braintree, Essex on a typical day

colchester

I constantly hear about young families flocking to Colchester, which was named one of the 100 happiest places to live in the UK by Rightmove.

Although Colchester is a city of many contradictions, fortunately it is not.

There are leafy, somewhat Stepford Wives streets with houses costing north of a million pounds. The houses in nearby Lexden (sorry show houses) feel too perfect, with pristine kitchens and not a single personal item on display.

Does anyone have any family photos, even messy? No, it’s all thrown away faster than you can say give me Dettol. These homes are all located around Colchester Royal Grammar School, the Holy Grail of Education.

On paper Colchester should indeed be on the up, but in reality they are not. There are many amazing attractions, including a luxury shopping mall, the Dutch Quarter, a brand new art gallery called Firstsite, and Castle Park. Believe me, I want to love it.

But the center looks a bit dirty and run-down and the High Street is in need of a giant jet wash. There are too many hairdressers, no-nonsense shops, vape shops, fast food chains and my favourite, Primark (although it’s extremely handy for kids’ pajamas and cheap school tights).

And although you can see seagulls circling overhead, the sea just a few miles away feels inaccessible and distant, like the graying ruins of nearby St Botolph.

Aerial view of a lake in Colchester, Essex

I really want Colchester to be beautiful – but the only thing it’s really achieved is a new, slightly spooky-looking housing project with plug-in cars and a strict one-child policy.

The new bowling alley also won the award for the most complex multi-storey car park of the year. Last week, my six-year-old son burst into tears when we missed nearly his entire birthday party when the bowling center parking lot was located behind a building that looked like a freeway. Apparently he was at another miserable intersection.

On the outskirts of Colchester there are double and triple junctions, mind-boggling one-way systems, too many purpose-built block buildings and too many angry and aggressive drivers.

It’s so hard to find the hospital if you need it that when you finally get there you may have given birth in the car or your broken arm may have been misplaced.

Add to that all the potholes in the area, and it’ll be a miracle you get there in one piece.

Witham

Aerial view of residential buildings in the town of Witham, Essex

I too want to love the suburban town of Witham in Essex, but that will never happen. As I pass through, I see a few terraced houses that are always used as marketing material for the town, and I understand why I am once again lost in one of the many housing estates from the 1960s.

I have to keep reminding my husband Charlie that it’s pronounced Wit-ham, not With-am, and that it’s the most exciting aspect of the whole town, and that it’s on London’s superior train line.

I excitedly tell my son he can pass his driving test in Witham (it’s almost a dead end to pass in Colchester) because the DVLA have sensibly opened up the roads around the town to poor chaps waiting to take their driving tests due to a national backlog, but he shakes his head at the idea.

‘This means I have to take the train to Witham Mum,’ he says. I nodded and then realized that was exactly what was rumored, even among young people in Essex, that it would never go anywhere else but south.

Where to go?

bures

Bures has its own music festival and train station in July; Perfect for those enjoying a few pints of Aperol in the sun after work in Canary Wharf and those who don’t want to brave the windy backroads of Essex.

Bank House Tearoom in Bures serves the finest hot chocolate in the county with views of the 14th-century medieval church of St Mary’s. There’s an idyllic elementary school with not one but two friendly principals, a secretary to keep your life in order if you so choose, two bars, a hair salon, and a food truck that rotates most nights.

There’s a lot of generosity at Bures, with primary school children shuttling between two village shops and locals footing the bill if they overspend on their Go Henry cards.

After catching the bus to the village after school, young people hang out in church, debate the ins and outs of Donald Trump, and gather by the riverside to celebrate the end of their GCSEs in the middle of summer.

Secretary Farmhouse, located near the village of Green, is said to have once belonged to Queen Elizabeth I’s private secretary.

Houses are going like hot cakes and speaking of cakes, locals are doing a random act of kindness by leaving cakes for each other outside their houses. Whisper it, Bures may be Essex’s best kept secret.

coggeshall

The clock tower on Stoneham Street in the beautiful town of Coggeshall, Essex

Coggeshall used to be full of retirees but that is no longer the case, as many of the late Georgian cottages have been bought by some 30 marketing gurus.

The old-school brasserie has been taken over by a new gastropub, a Friday night millennial hangout where children sleep through a full week of nursery school, which costs more than a private school reception lesson.

They all share babysitting because they live so close to each other and the app they use works for the whole street. They should know that one of them developed this babysitting app and made a fortune.

pebmarch

Villages in the lost circle between Sudbury and Halstead are worth knowing, including Pebmarsh, Colne Engaine, Lamarsh and Alphamstone.

Like the Cotswold Slad Valley of Essex; I should know since I’ve lived in both.

Old tractors driven by similarly worn-out farmers plow beautiful fields. Homes are hidden in valleys and sold for millions of dollars.

There is a reason for this; you can’t see them from the road. In spring and summer, Lake Preston is surrounded by a sea of ​​bluebells and salt hawthorn flowers.

The valleys that grow willow trees for cricket bats look like something out of The Lord of the Rings.

Local people don’t even bat an eyelid at anyone; They’re too busy in the bar discussing the village’s latest swinger antics to notice.