Without it, ‘life is pretty grim’
in 2018 Alexandra Friedman I moved to Seattle to start a new marketing job at Amazon. He was 36 and even though he had grown up there, he had to rebuild his friendships and professional network after 18 years. It’s “really isolating,” he says.
His story reflects a compromise many Americans face: Pursuing opportunity often means leaving society behind.
According to a recent survey of 4,130 U.S. adults by CNBC and SurveyMonkey, 72% of Americans today define the American Dream as achieving financial stability, while 58% define it as owning a home. Only 35% say it means feeling part of a community. However, researchers say that a sense of belonging is essential for a good life.
Life is pretty brutal if all you have is financial stability and you don’t feel like you belong in a community, says Robert Waldinger, Professor of Psychiatry and Director of the Research Institute at Harvard Medical School. Harvard Study of Adult Development.
He adds that isolation can have real effects on our health and well-being, and can make it much harder to achieve success in general.
This choice between success and community has long been part of American tradition, but social connection is on the wane for many Americans these days.
Here’s how the community has contributed to the American Dream throughout U.S. history and what today’s trends could mean for its future.
Where the classic definition of the American Dream falls short
The American Dream has always been “linked to a definition of success surrounding material success,” he says Mary BattenfeldProfessor of clinical research in the department of American Studies at Boston University.
But this material success was also reflected in the rituals and traditions that brought neighbors together; The promise of what you will achieve when you realize your dream.
Alina Rudya/bell Collective | Digitalvision | Getty Images
“We have ice cream meetings, we have walks, we have picnics,” he says Benjamin Cornwellprofessor of sociology at Cornell University andFriends and Fortunes: Social Capital Inequality in America.” “These are all examples of the kind of collective enthusiasm that we see going along with the American Dream.”
But in a country as large as the United States, where the best opportunity may be geographically far from family and friends, progress is almost a prerequisite for success, he says Jeffrey HallProfessor of communication studies at the University of Kansas. Often, “to achieve the American Dream, you have to leave your community and almost avoid it,” Hall adds.
The tension between gaining and giving up connections is reinforced by America’s highly individualistic culture. The ideal of the self-made person suggests that success comes only through courage and hard work. But in reality, “no one is self-taught,” Waldinger says.
“Relationships actually increase individual success,” he says. “For example, you will most likely get your next job through your social networks.”
‘It’s no wonder all we hear is loneliness’
There is ample evidence that this cultural deprioritization of the community can impact behavior on the ground. The United States has long experienced a decline in social connection.
According to research, Americans aged 15 and over today spend an average of less than 35 minutes a day in their free time socializing and communicating with others. Bureau of Labor Statistics. This is down from about 47 minutes per day in 2003; There is an almost 26% decrease in socializing.
According to 2025 Social Connection, nearly three-quarters of U.S. adults meet with their close relationships only twice a month or less, and 29% rarely or never talk to them via phone or video calls. America report.
A value system that emphasizes material success above all else can contribute to people’s individual decisions to make time for family and friends, he says Julianne Holt-Lunstadis a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University and director and chief science officer of the report.
“From a social connection standpoint,” he says, “we have such an individual perspective that it’s no surprise that all we hear about is loneliness.”
‘You can decide if I will reach out to someone on my commute to work every day.’
Between not being able to reach a friend and ordering whatever you need, it’s only a matter of time before Americans stop talking to each other, New York-based psychotherapist says Andrew Tepper. “I don’t think that’s a question if,” adds Tepper. “I think it’s a When“
Without social connection people face greater risk heart diseaseparalysis and self harm. These health problems alone can make it difficult to achieve financial and professional success. But without people to support you and connect you to new opportunities, achieving the American Dream becomes harder for both individuals and society.
“The more isolated we are, the less we can thrive,” Waldinger says.
Relationships actually drive individual success.
Robert Waldinger
Director, Harvard Study of Adult Development
Some daily habits can help people strengthen personal connections. Make time to talk to the people in your life regularly, advises Waldinger: “You may decide to reach out to someone during your commute each day.” Schedule time to see people too, perhaps a weekly walk or coffee. Text and email the people in your life regularly.
As for Friedman, he began hosting monthly dinner parties shortly after moving to Seattle to ensure people, including himself, could find like-minded friends. She says she now works full-time as a dating coach and has helped thousands of people improve their connection skills.
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