Couples who are ’emotionally secure’ regularly talk about 8 things
Establishing a trusting relationship is the goal of most couples. We all want to feel understood and connected to the person we build a life with.
One of the biggest factors that enable this communication. As a clinical psychologist, I’ve found that the happiest couples always make time to show interest, check in, make room for honesty, and find small ways to make each other feel seen.
Here are eight questions they ask each other regularly to ensure emotional safety.
1. ‘Anything special today?’
Life moves fast and it’s hard enough to keep up with your own schedule, let alone your partner’s. Regular check-ins help couples stay in tune and show that they care about the things that are important to each other.
You may also ask:
- “How is your day going?”
- “Did anything unusual happen today?”
2. ‘How can I show my gratitude to you?’
Gratitude doesn’t always have to look grand or romantic. Sometimes it might mean doing a task your partner is afraid of, buying his favorite snacks, or making his evening easier after a hard day.
When you ask how your partner wants to be most appreciated, you learn how to express love the way they want and need.
You may also ask:
- “What would make you feel supported today?”
- “How can I make you feel especially appreciated right now?”
3. ‘Do you want my opinion, or do you just want me to listen?’
This is one of the most helpful questions a partner can ask. People talk for different reasons. Sometimes they want help solving a problem, sometimes they just want to open up and feel understood. Emotionally attuned partners often ask what the other person wants from them in that moment.
You may also ask:
- “Can I give you some feedback, or do you want to talk right now?”
- “I hear you and I care. I have some observations if you want to hear them.”
4. ‘How can I help?’
Sometimes the best thing you can offer is not a solution but practical help. This might mean taking something off their plate, getting in between the kids, or giving them space to rest. Even if your partner says “I’m fine,” asking this question shows that he or she doesn’t have to carry everything alone.
You may also ask:
- “Is there anything I can do to make today easier?”
- “Why don’t I take care of some business so you can take a break?”
5. ‘Can we take some time to talk?’
Between work, family responsibilities, and daily logistics, many couples spend more time managing life than talking about how they’re really doing. This could be 20 minutes after dinner or a Saturday morning walk; ideally at a low-stress time when you can focus on each other.
You may also ask:
- “I want to make sure we have time to connect this week. When would be convenient?”
- “Can we have some time to talk on Friday?”
6. ‘How do you think we’ve been doing lately?’
Talking about the state of our relationship can be difficult because sometimes we don’t want to be vulnerable or bring up old arguments. But checking in with our partner’s perception of relationship health is important to make repairs when something challenging happens.
You may also ask:
- “Is there anything we find difficult right now?”
- “What feels particularly good between us right now?”
7. ‘What would be fun for us to do together?’
The healthiest relationships are based on play and shared joy. It could be anything: listening to a new album, going on a road trip, watching the next season of your favorite TV show, or even preparing a new recipe together.
You may also ask:
- “What haven’t we done in a while that would be fun to bring back?”
- “Is there a movie, show, or concert you want to see?”
8. ‘What larger themes are you working on?’
In long-term relationships, we are likely to see our partner go through many life stages characterized by growth in different areas. Asking your partner directly what they are struggling with, dealing with, or themes they are working through internally will help you stay close to your partner as they change over time.
You may also ask:
- “What’s been on your mind lately?”
- “How do you feel you’ve changed over the past year?”
Dr. Cortney S. WarrenPhD, is a board-certified psychologist and author of the new book “Giving up on your ex.” She specializes in romantic relationships, addictive behavior, and honesty. After receiving his doctorate in clinical psychology from Texas A&M University, he received his clinical training at Harvard Medical School. Follow him on Instagram @DrCortneyWarren or Twitter @DrCortneyWarren.
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