Is a hot affair ever worth it if you get found out? TRACEY COX poses the question to husbands and wives who have cheated – and their answers might surprise you

When we think of infidelity, we think of betrayal and destruction.

And for many people, this is exactly the case.

But the reality of events – why they happen, what they mean, and what happens next – is much more complex.

World-renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel has spent decades challenging our black-and-white thoughts about things. He found that relationships, though painful, sometimes act as catalysts for change.

Some people look back with deep regret. But others see these as sad but necessary breaking points that will lead them on the right path to happiness.

Some people have no regrets.

I spoke with three people exploring relationships to ask one simple question: Was it worth it? Their answers may surprise you.

‘YES: HE GIVEN A REASONABLE REASON TO LEAVE A ‘PERFECT’ MARRIAGE’

Jillian was in her third year of marriage and in her mid-30s when she had an affair.

‘My husband was tall, athletic, handsome and a banker; The person I cheated on was short, red-haired and a teacher. You didn’t have to be Einstein to know something was going on there.

‘I didn’t have a relationship with anyone, I had a relationship because marriage overwhelmed me and I didn’t know what to do. I had married a “catch”, was in my early 30s and needed to settle down and have a baby. But I am ambitious and being married prevented me from accepting international jobs. I felt hurt but didn’t know how to handle the situation.

‘Ironically, I met the man I was having an affair with at a work event hosted by my husband. The man was one of his best clients, a woman I already knew. I have no idea why I chose him to have a relationship with; There were much more attractive men ready for this. But I did and quickly became obsessed with it.

‘I would organize these secret meetings and my whole existence revolved around them. The sex was so intense I couldn’t get enough. Relationships are incredibly exciting and allow you to live in the moment: you live for an hour of stolen time here and there. Everything is erotically charged because it is forbidden. I remember going to the bathroom while out with my husband and another couple and sitting there painfully longing to be with my lover.

‘The truth is, my husband was after this man. She was smarter, sexier, better looking, and a better lover. It didn’t take long after the breakup to realize that I was in this relationship just to give myself a plausible reason to leave. I pretended to leave for him but the moment I did that the relationship faded away. It went from intense longing to intense anger. It was boring and unattractive.

‘But this relationship served its purpose: It gave me a reason to leave a marriage that happened at the wrong time in my life. I remained single and pursued my career for twenty years before settling down again. Even though I deeply regret hurting my husband and wish I had met him later, it was the right thing to do.’

Jillian was in her third year of marriage and in her mid-30s when she had an affair. He said: ‘This relationship served its purpose: it gave me a reason to leave a marriage that happened at the wrong time in my life’ (stock image)

‘NO: I HAD EVERYTHING AND I THROWED IT OUT. DON’T BE ME’

Michael, 52, was married for 18 happy years before making the biggest mistake of his life

‘If you’re reading this and you have a marriage that you value – what you think you’re missing, how much excitement you think you need – it’s not worth it. It’s not worth looking at your partner’s face when he realizes you’ve betrayed him. It’s not worth it for your kids to never talk to you again. It’s not worth waking up every day knowing you’ve ruined the best thing in your life for something that means nothing.

‘I agreed to write this not out of sympathy – I deserve none – but as a warning to anyone who thinks they can compartmentalize their lives the way I did.

‘I had everything. My wife, Sarah, is still the most extraordinary person I know. My two children, now 21 and 18, were my everything. I loved them. I still am. That’s what makes this so incomprehensible, even to me.

‘Jess was 28 when she joined our department and I was 46. We were working late together, drinking with others after work, then just the two of us. He made me feel seen in a way I haven’t felt in years, which is the saddest cliché in the history of infidelity. I wanted excitement, I was selfish, and I convinced myself that I could live both lives. It was purely physical for me. I never stopped loving Sarah, but I lived a double life for eight months until Sarah found the text messages.

‘I can still see your face; complete devastation, as if I had ripped something out of his chest. He became terribly silent and said, “How could you do this to us?” he asked. I had no answer. I still don’t know.

‘I immediately ended the relationship with Jess and asked Sarah for forgiveness. Two weeks later Jess lost her job because of our relationship. He had no one else, so I helped him; I paid him his money, met him for coffee, and helped him look for a job. Sarah saw this as choosing Jess over family and filed for divorce. I continued to explain that I didn’t want to be with Jess, I felt obligated. But I made everything worse.

‘That was five years ago. I have been divorced for four years. I’ve spent every day since trying to show Sarah that I wasn’t the man who did this. Therapy helped me learn how my father’s relationships normalized them, but none of that matters. Sarah is dating someone else. He’s a good man. My daughter hasn’t spoken to me for four years. I received an email: “You destroyed my mother and our family. I don’t want you in my life.” He graduated last May and I wasn’t invited.

My son is trying. We have a tense lunch every few months. He said he didn’t know how to reconcile the father he grew up with and the father who did this. He also receives therapy due to his trust issues. I did this to him.

‘I would give anything to go back. I had everything and I threw it away. Don’t be me.’

‘YES: IT ENDED IN DISASTER BUT I WILL DO IT AGAIN BECAUSE RELATIONSHIP SEX IS THE BEST THERE IS’

Josh was 38 when he cheated on his wife with one of her friends. He lost everything but he has no regrets. He said: ‘Sometimes I miss my wife but if my time was up I’d still do the same thing. ‘The sex was that good’ (stock image)

Josh was 38 when he cheated on his wife with one of her friends. He lost everything but he has no regrets.

‘Men will read this and understand instantly. Women won’t do this. And I’m afraid that’s the way the world is. I am a very sexy man and this is my greatest pleasure in life. I enjoy relationships and am perfectly capable of being monogamous, but only if sex remains frequent and exciting. In my experience it rarely happens.

‘I thought I found the perfect woman, so I got married. But six years later everything went pear-shaped. My wife was initially as interested in sex as I was, and we made an agreement to continue this. Then she wanted a baby and that changed everything. She was only doing this at certain times to maximize her chances of getting pregnant, but nothing worked. He became depressed and stopped wanting sex. I was understanding at first, but then I tried to tell him that I needed regular sex. But he was completely trapped in his own world.

‘I wasn’t looking but I was ready to cheat. I didn’t plan on doing it with one of my wife’s friends, but it happened. He hit on me and I didn’t say no and we started seeing each other once a week.

‘Everyone knows that the sex you shouldn’t have is a hundred times sexier than sex with your partner. This is the best sex I’ve ever had.

‘I thought he would be quiet but in the end he was the one who told my wife. He felt very guilty. Can you believe they’re still friends? I was rightfully fired immediately, and my wife’s lawyer cleared me. I miss my wife sometimes, but I would still do the same thing if my time was up. The sex was THAT good.’

Listen to Tracey’s SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey podcast every Wednesday. Find her on Instagram @traceycoxsexauthor and email traceycoxtherapy@gmail.com.