It must be bad for Nige and his finances if it’s Honest Bob Jenrick to the rescue | John Crace

HHow unlucky can a person be? You have to feel for Nigel Farage. Why does it keep happening to him? There he is, just minding his own business, trying to make a decent living – these five houses don’t pay for themselves, so others might have done it – but still there’s always someone trying to bring a good man down. Doesn’t the “Man of the People (TM)” have the right to have a few multimillionaire friends to finance his lifestyle? Who hasn’t longed for crypto and gold bullion?

The first of these was British-Thai crypto billionaire Christopher Harborne’s £5 million, revealed exclusively by the Guardian. The smell does not go away after months. Even Nige cannot explain exactly what he was given the money for. You’re not sure if this is payment for security or a small “thank you” for a lifetime of service in making the country an easier place for scammers to make money. Even now Nige has failed in trying to get his story straight.

Later on Saturday evening, Sunday Times revealed more freebies. This time it comes from George Cottrell, an aristocratic criminal turned criminal who was arrested in the US on charges of money laundering, wire fraud, extortion and racketeering and is now involved in an online gambling company.

Salt of the earth. An ordinary man. Gorgeous George provided Nige with a place to stay in London near Buckingham Palace and a man to manage his social media accounts and security. I hope Cottrell and Harborne have connected on this. It would be very, very scary to imagine either of them being asked to follow Farage’s security detail. A man like Nige can never be safe enough.

Who better to come to Nige’s defense on Laura Kuenssberg’s show than Robert Jenrick? As long as a decent man’s day is. A man who will never admit any wrongdoing. Honest Bob, while serving as Conservative housing minister, personally overruled the local council’s decision and authorized a development that would have cost Tory donor and one-time pornographer Richard “Dirty” Desmond an additional £50 million in cash if delayed by even a few days. This one’s for you, Honest Bob. I always try to do the right thing.

He looked a little flustered, understandably. Before the story broke, he imagined he was on the show to discuss how awful it was that Andy Burnham hadn’t called an election – but how right he had been not to call a by-election when he set out for Reformation. Because hypocrisy never occurs to Honest Bob.

“There’s nothing to see here,” he insisted. He had stern eyes that seemingly took his honesty one step further. It was a very old story reheated. Nige didn’t need to declare anything. Although all of this happened in the 12 months before he became an MP, and this was as stipulated by the Parliament’s Rules of Procedure. Because although Nige has been a professional politician for the last 25 years, he never dreamed of becoming a politician. And he was the honorary chairman of the Reform Party, which he basically had at the time.

It was like that. George Cottrell was a very old friend. This felt like Honest Bob was accidentally throwing Nige to the wolves. Because who couldn’t be best friends with convicted cheaters? Nige and Gorgeous went back many years. George even appeared at a fundraiser for the Brexit party. Although there was no doubt that all the money came from legitimate sources. After all, no one knew better whether money was dangerous than someone with a criminal record. Nige was being punished for something he never did. Guilt by association.

And yes, Honest Bob admitted that Nige may have stayed at George’s townhouse “a few times.” It doesn’t sound very convincing. And Nige definitely needed staff because he was completely broke having been paid over £1million for his three-week stay in the I’m a Celeb jungle.

“This is all a media conspiracy,” Honest Bob hissed. “The Sunday Times is a Labor-supporting newspaper.” This was the moment you realized he was shaken. Delusional. The sound of jumping over the shark. The Sunday Times gave Labor only a squeaky clean boost at the last election. Because Rupert Murdoch knew the Conservatives would lose and couldn’t stand the idea of ​​supporting the losing side. The idea that this was some kind of ideologically motivated investigation was just desperation.

Honest Bob tried to change the subject. Can he talk about immigration? What? Dropped by 80 percent? No, it’s not that. There were still too many foreigners. “No,” said Laura. Let’s continue talking about the Gorgeous George allegations. Because they are much more interesting. And you didn’t do anything to make them leave. It would not be enough to say that Nige befriended and took money from an extremely dubious character. Not when Nige set his sights on becoming prime minister.

Then there was the question of Nige buying £270k worth of trousers for 12 hours of promotional work for a bullion company. Investments in Kwasi’s crypto fund. Wasn’t this all…a bit disorganized? “Not at all,” said Honest Bob. Nige had a great work ethic. There was nothing the country loved more than a man who outed crypto billionaires and convicted fraudsters. What the country needed more of was this “nothing for nothing” mentality. When you think about it, £5 million was just chicken feed. And why don’t you buy gifts that you haven’t declared a crime? Say your part about rehabilitation and restorative justice.

“Nigel has always been consistent,” he concluded. At least that was true. Nige has consistently been non-transparent about his finances throughout his career. We still don’t know who paid for most of the Brexit campaign. “Nigel was doing great things when I was young.” So surprising that Honest Bob joined the Conservative party. Still, he got there in the end. Reformation is the party where you can park your memory and conscience outside the front door.